I’m Going Through The Worst Breakup Of My Life


This week began without a problem like every summer break before. The weather was perfection, and the pool was open. Hello, tan. No longer did I have to worry about flirting with my TA to bump my grade up, or which class I was going to skip today. Life was as smooth as the margaritas I sipped. Unfortunately, like every story involving tequila, this one involves my vagina and a big problem. Today I was given some of the worst news of my early twenties.

My gyno decided to leave her practice.

What ever happened to commitment? I thought we were going to be together forever?! How could she do this to me?! We had been through so much together. She was there for me when I had my first pregnancy scare senior year of high school. She was there when my fatal STD turned out to be an ingrown hair from a wax. I told this woman everything, and she never judged me. There is no relationship that can even come close to that between a girl and her gyno. There is a certain level of trust needed to allow someone to get all up in your vag. I don’t let just anyone poke around in there. Well, at least when I’m sober. Finding the perfect gyno is the best, even better than being named sweetheart. Gynos are the reason you can sleep at night, or not sleep (wink, wink).

Now I am left with the daunting task of finding a new lady doctor. There is no app for this. I don’t get to swipe left or right hoping to strike gold. This is probably the most adult thing I have had to do since pretending I was a 21-year-old woman from Pennsylvania like my ID claimed. Opening up my legs, and my life to a stranger is scary. If I had a penny for every horror story I’ve heard about a passive-aggressive gyno, I’d have enough money to drink top shelf until I get cirrhosis. All I want is someone who won’t give me the “oh, so you’re a slut” look, or say “hmmm” with her head between my legs. Is that so much to ask for?

So I guess it’s time now to embark on this journey into the unknown. I have two months to find my pink best friend a new doctor before my birth control is gone, and I’m forced to become celibate. Just kidding, nothing good has ever come from celibacy.

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