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I’m Low-Key Furious That I Gotta Wait So Long For This Lion King Remake

THE LION KING, Banzai, Ed, Shenzi, Scar, Pumbaa, Mufasa, Simba, Timon, 1994

God. Dammit.

They say patience is a virtue, but I’m considering trying to build a time machine. I don’t know how to. Maybe I’ll just tape an alarm clock to a cardboard box and write “TIME MACHINE: DO NOT TOUCH THIS, KAREN” on it with a black sharpie, (Karen is my nosy roommate, I don’t want her fuckin with my mission.)

They’re making a live action reboot of The Lion King and it looks like it has potential to be the greatest thing to ever happen to North America.

It’s interesting because it seems like every millennial on Earth is psyched for this movie. That’s noteworthy because people usually HATE remakes, especially when it’s something beloved from your childhood. Just look at how pissed people are about this new Jumanji movie. The first time we saw a trailer for it, my friend furiously exclaimed “how the hell could they make a Jumanji movie without Robin Williams?!” All I could do is gently put my hand on her shoulder and say “……you may wanna sit down for this..”

People have very visceral, negative reactions when a beloved film is getting the remake treatment. And Lion King is about beloved as a film gets. It’s a staple of our childhoods. For most of us (myself included), it’s our favorite Disney cartoon. Timon and Pumba gave us life affirming wisdom that we still carry today. Mufasa’s death still fucks us up. And Scar taught us never to trust that creepy uncle.

So why aren’t people up in arms about the remake? Why isn’t every ’90s kid on the planet outside the Disney studio right now with picket signs trying to burn down all of Hollywood? Because the movie looks freakin amazing.

Let’s break it down. First off, early reactions to exclusive test footage have reportedly been incredible. People said that the little CGI Simba looks ridiculously realistic but still painfully adorable, and that seeing an updated version of that iconic opening scene gave them goosebumps. On top of that, Jon Favreau is in the director’s chair (the dude who made the Jungle Book remake.) All good signs.

But most importantly, the cast is INSANE. Donald Glover as Simba? I’m in. James Earl Jones returning as Mufusa? Sign me up. Billy Eichner and Seth Rogen as Timon and Pumba?! Jesus Christ, yes. John Oliver as Zazu? Stop, I’m gonna have a heart attack. Eric Andre and Keegan Michael Key as the hyenas? Is Hollywood reading my mind?

And Beyoncé as Nala? BEYONCÉ AS NALA?! If you can read those three words without literally jumping for joy, you’re an actual sociopath. Imagine Childish Gambino and Beyoncé singing “Can You Feel The Love Tonight.” You don’t have to imagine it, because it’s gonna actually frickin’ happen.

As far as I can tell, this already sounds like the greatest film in the history of great films. So imagine my reaction when I looked up the release date and it said “July 2019.” JULY 2019?! Are you shitting me, Hollywood? Don’t play with my emotions.

Needless to say, it’s gonna be a long year and a half. Unless I can successfully build this cardboard time machine, I’m gonna have to lay in bed all day every day, carving notches into my wall to signify each passing day until July 2019 (like I’m in prison, but worse.) Hollywood is like a manipulative boyfriend. Playing my emotions like an electric guitar and making me impatiently wait for what seems like an eternity. This is just plain unfair.

Can you feel the love tonight? Nope? Me neither. And it’s pissing me off.

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