I’m Not Afraid You’ll Cheat, I Just Like To Be The Jealous Girlfriend

I'm Not Afraid You'll Cheat, I Just Like To Be The Jealous Girlfriend

Jealousy is one of those traits that all your single friends say is “bad” for a relationship. And sure, to some extent, those bitches have a point.

Jealousy is what makes people do things that are criminally insane and most likely illegal, like when the girl you didn’t know was actually his sister came to town and you pulled a Carrie Underwood and carved “Die Bitch” into his car seats. That little incident still makes holidays awkward, doesn’t it? Or, there was the time he saw a random guy buy you a drink at the bar and wound up being tossed out by the bouncers for walking up to said random guy and threatening to kill his entire family. Sure, that is a bit extreme.

But it’s also pretty hot.

Jealousy, like passion, infatuation, and general affection for your significant other, fades over time the longer that you date someone. While it’s a bummer to see infatuation go, because that means he’s going to start complaining about going down on you, seeing jealousy fade usually isn’t so bad. When you’ve been with someone for long enough, seeing a girl squeezing his bicep after his IM football game isn’t such a big deal. Part of that is because you know that if she ever actually went home with him after one of those games and smelled his feet before he showered, she’d be too grossed out to hook up with him anyway. And the other part of that is because at this point, if you’re any kind of woman, you know that you own this guy so hard that he’d never cheat on you. He’s seen you angry at some point in your relationship by this point, and chances are really high that he isn’t going to risk inciting your wrath. Less drama all around to toe the line and keep getting semi-regular, mostly reluctant BJs, right?

The only problem with this scenario is that jealousy is actually really fun. It’s exciting, and usually irrational, and while it can definitely lead to drunken screaming matches, it can also make those matches end in hot, animal sex. For essentially that reason alone, I will always be the jealous girlfriend, even when I don’t have to be anymore. I know, I know, I sound too good to be true. Try to keep your pants on.

I’m not saying that every single time someone buys your significant other a drink you have to go full nuclear. I, for one, just don’t have the energy to do that. It takes a lot out of a person to incite a miniature riot of the level I’m referring to. It has to be saved for something bigger, like when a girl at the darty unties her top, puts her hand on his thigh, and asks him to put sunscreen on her back and he’s stupid enough to do it. That’s when you start to get wild, depending on the number of drinks you’ve had at that point.

I know perfectly well my person wouldn’t cheat, but that rationality has to be pushed aside sometimes in favor of crazy. Just because I trust someone not to fuck me over doesn’t mean I lose the possessiveness that is the hallmark of the jealous girlfriend I strive to be. It also doesn’t matter that I know cheating is off the table and that I trust them not to do anything like that—what matters is that someone else wanted to fuck what’s mine. That’s where the jealousy stems from, and then it just makes sense to go about reminding your significant other just who they belong to by engaging in rough, somewhat-public, angry sex. Sound insane? Maybe so, but the orgasms are worth it. That’s right. I meant to make that word plural.

Because what’s a relationship without a little emotional manipulation, right?

Image via Shutterstock

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Shannon Layne

My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here:

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