I’m Only Annoying Because You’re Sober At The Bar, Idiot

I'm Only Annoying Because You're Sober At The Bar, Idiot

Girls get a lot of shit for being loud and obnoxious when we’re out with our friends, and largely, that’s something I understand. Girls, especially in groups, are annoying af. We scream when we see each other, we hug and spin around and knock drinks out of people’s hands, and we move in mobs. When you see a line at the bar, it’s probably not really a busy night. It’s just one group of girlfriends ordering drinks. We’re a pain in the ass at the bar, or in a club, or anywhere you might end up on a Friday night. I get it. I understand and empathize with your frustration when nine of us come in at once, and the atmosphere is suddenly filled with high-pitched squealing and orders for margaritas. But here’s my issue.

These are places that are supposed to be loud. These are places that are supposed to be crowded, where it might take a while on any given night to get to the bar to order a drink. You should expect to be getting knocked into left and right and getting alcohol spilled on you in a club on a weekend, right? People who are already a drink or two in seem to grasp that concept just fine. They’re generally too busy having a good time with their group of friends to worry much about me and my best friend spilling a little G&T on their shoes as we pass by. It’s the sober people in the bar that are really bringing down the mood, not the loud, drunk girls screaming because “Closer” just started playing.

If you are the person in the bar nursing an ice water and scowling at the girl who just dropped her third shot onto the floor, then you’re the problem, not her. Sober people at bars are always the ones complaining that the music is bad, or giving side-eye shade to the girl whose dress has moved above her butt cheeks yet again. You know what a girl twerking on a wall in the club does not need? Some sober bitch staring at her and whispering to her friends about how slutty she looks. If you’re in a supermarket, or a church, then that side eye is deserved. Don’t twerk in that kind of public place. You deserve all the stares you get in that situation. But the club is where crazy shit is supposed to go down. People are supposed to be drinking and talking too loudly to their friends and getting a little wild. If you’re sober at the bar, you’re already at the wrong place. Go home if you want a quiet environment and peaceful conversation and for me not to bump into you when I stumble in my heels in the wet spot where I spilled my beer fifteen minutes earlier. If you weren’t dumb enough to be dead sober at the bar, there wouldn’t be a problem.

I don’t need the negativity and clear-mindedness of a sober person’s judgment when I’m at the club, unless that person is the Uber driver I just ordered. All you can do is bring me down. So, my advice to sober people at the bar is to either order one drink and at least attempt to not be a wet blanket, or force yourself to stay chill with your club soda and not judge all the other people who are having fun while you aren’t. Or, you could just go home. That works for me, too. I’ll be on the dance floor making another bad decision, right where I belong.

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Shannon Layne

My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here:

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