It sounds horribly annoying, but I actually struggle with being single. I know, that’s hard to understand. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, and I have never really been fully single. I have always had a boy to talk to, and while I’ve always thought of myself as an independent person, I’m starting to question it.
I just can’t seem to wrap my head around why I always have to have someone. I don’t want to date anyone, I really don’t. I don’t even go looking for guys to talk to. It just sort of happens. It often ends up with me leading them on, but I just can’t stop. Even some of my friends have admitted they’ve gotten frustrated with me when I complain about how bad I am at being single. One of them even told me that it made her feel bad about herself. I envy girls who can stand alone. I wish I had the self-confidence to know that I don’t need a guy in my life.
It all just comes down to the fact that I don’t know how to be single. The second I got out of my relationship, a good friend of mine admitted he had been waiting for me. Given my fear of being alone, I couldn’t help but play into it. The truth was I didn’t really like him for him, but for what he could provide. That’s been the case with every fling, hookup, and friends with benefits that I’ve had. It’s like an addiction really, which sounds completely pathetic. But the reality of it is that I’m addicted to the attention. And like an addict, the second I’m done with one guy, I’m fixing for the next. I really wish I could just swear off guys. I could join a convent or something, but every time I’ve vowed that I wouldn’t start anything with anyone, I’ve broken.
There is literally no reason I should feel so attached. The worst part of it all is that I know what I’m doing. I can reason through it, yet here I am. Maybe one day I can learn to finally stand on my own and find attention elsewhere, like Instagram..
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