Judge, jury, and basic bitches of the court. In recent history, it has come to my attention that the defendant has received unjust treatment from society at large. The plaintiff would lead you to believe that the defendant has done terrible deeds to women everywhere: boob sweat, the uniboob, and back fat to name a few. And while Ms. Underwire has good intentions, she completely overlooks the contributions that the defendant has given to society.
Mr. Sports Bra – Sport, for short – has provided excellent support for boobs everywhere. And while that may come at the expense of compression and tight straps, it still does not negate the fact that he keeps everything where it should be. If you would turn your attention to exhibit A, you will find one of the grossest offenders of the underwear world: the bralette. Offering absolutely no real function, the bralette is still praised as the greatest invention of our time. Doesn’t Sport deserve the same recognition? He’s just as sleek and trendy, and comes in a multitude of colors. However, society is so keen to overlook the real perpetrator because of her lacy beauty, turning the attention to the easiest target: Mr. Sport.
And let’s not forget about the plaintiff. In the frenzy of her accusations, perhaps we have forgotten to examine Ms. Underwire’s own crimes? She is an avid proponent of concealed carry permits: she sneaks her sharp wires under layers of soft lace, only to stab you in the chest at the first given chance. Shady, to say the least. And who could forget the fitting fiasco of 2014, when Ms. Underwire stretched beyond belief during her first time in the washer? But Mr. Sport remained faithful through the thick and thin, always retaining his true form and character.
While the defendant may cause above average boob sweat, the plaintiff is once again not as innocent as she would like to appear. If you turn your attention to exhibit B, you will see another offender of the lingerie world: the push-up bra. The push-up bra is definitely in cahoots with Ms. Underwire, and she’s been seen making back-alley deals with her numerous times. In my mind, that demolishes any credibility that she had left. And perhaps we have forgotten the wayward daughter of Ms. Underwire: the strapless bra. Her psychotic antics have left many sorority girls exposed in their drunken times of need, and Ms. Underwire has looked on without a care as her daughter continues to ruin lives. Like mother, like daughter.
So, judge, jury, and women of the court: is Mr. Sport as awful as you make him out to be? His negative qualities are reflected in every other option. If he’s a criminal, then all of the bras are. But Mr. Sport boasts unique aspects of comfort and versatility, all while fulfilling his main duty of support. I urge you to think long and hard before reaching a verdict. What transgression has he truly committed that alienates him as a true offender? If allowing women everywhere to be comfortable, lazy, and stylish is a crime, then consider him guilty. .