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Incoming Alabama Freshman Posts On Facebook Class Wall, Seeks Two “Sarcastic Bitch” Roommates “Ready To Have A Kickass Time”

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When it comes to finding a college roommate, two things are certain. First, it’s always a good idea to pick one with the same shoe size. Second, no matter who you pick, you will inevitably wind up hating her just a little bit. It’s a given, and you might as well save yourself the effort and just let it happen.

In what is potentially the douchiest display of narcissism yet to grace Facebook, an incoming freshman took to the Alabama Class of 2019 wall to find two additional roommates for her freshman year. She includes a steep list of requirements that make you want to blackball the shit out of her and then sneak her through the back door of your favorite college bar so you can buy her a beer and pat her on the back. Here is her post:

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While I congratulate her for her “fuck the system” approach in seeking the girls who will share her living quarters, I also hate her a little bit. What kind of monster requires any potential roommate to have a minimum of 130 likes on each Instagram post? When I was looking for a roommate, I only had two questions: “Are you going to eat my Easy Mac?” and “Will you hold my hair back while I vomit in the decrepit shithole that our residence hall has the nerve to call a bathroom?”

I’ll admit this post is funny, but it also drips of a kind of superficial self-love that only a freshman would flaunt, and I sleep better knowing this quality will fade as soon as the first round of rush serves her a roundhouse kick to her self-esteem. I only wish I was there to see it, and perhaps greet her with a warm, store-brand tequila shot to help her cope with her shattered shell of an ego.

Image via University of Alabama

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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