With all the pressure to drink in excess and insert himself into as many willing vaginas as possible, convincing some boy to be your boyfriend can be hard to do. Once you’ve held your prisoner captive, catalyzing his metamorphosis from someone you can date casually into someone you can date seriously can be even harder. After successfully hand-crafting the perfect boyfriend (because we all know the best things in life are hand-crafted), he’ll be likely to turn a few more heads than usual. Warding off boyfriend stealers can be the hardest part of it all.
Adulterers are among the scummiest people on Earth, and mistresses are among the least respected. Being the other woman means just that: you’re not the woman, you’re the other woman — the second choice, the afterthought. Why would any girl engage in such an abhorrent betrayal of her gender, when the reward is so minimal? I’ve concluded that a woman home-wrecks for one of three reasons: she doesn’t know, she doesn’t care, or she doesn’t lose.
As men are stupid, and they don’t often (or ever) read into things that aren’t directly spelled out for them, I find it’s best to the deal with the problem at its source: with her. Before any actual indiscretions (at which time you chop your boyfriend’s penis off in his sleep…just the tip — it barely counts, right fellas?) it’s easier just nip the thing in the bud if possible. Some harmless extra-relational flirting is healthy, but he won’t realize that some giggly inside joke on his wall or unnecessary text message is her way of trying to seduce him. Telling him so will only set off his cray-dar. Deal with her first, before things take a turn for the dramatic.
If she doesn’t know, make her know.
The most justifiable reason for a girl to try to get involved with a soon-to-be-married (-according-to-your-secret-Pinterest-board) man, is if she doesn’t know you exist. Sure, she’s probably seen you in his profile picture, but you never believed in being FBO, because it’s stupid, and you don’t post kissing pictures, because you’re not annoying, so she’s probably holding out hope that you’re just really good friends. We’ve all been there. We’ve all tried to will the seemingly perfect guy’s girlfriend out of existence, but eventually, she makes her presence known (as you should do), and you back off, because you have a soul.
This is almost always done via social media. There are two acceptable reasons for a girl to plaster herself all over her boyfriend’s Facebook. The first is that she’s 14. Think modern-day AIM profiles toting *~* xo Chris ox *~* 7.14.02 ilysm. I’m sure this kind of behavior is not only appropriate, but the norm, in most middle school circles. The second and more likely in this case, assuming the boy in question isn’t what’s considered a pedophile in all 50 states, is that she’s trying to mark her territory. Normally statuses such as “I am seriously so lucky. @Christopher James is the most amazing boyfriend ever and I’m so glad he’s mine” are detestable barring birthdays and anniversaries, but in the case of You vs. Boyfriend-Stealing Bitch, it’s okay. He’ll never know your public message to him was a secret message to her, but she’ll hear it loud and clear.
If she doesn’t care, make her care.
Now that you’ve told her, “He’s taken,” without actually telling her anything at all, keeping up her slutty antics can only mean she doesn’t give a shit. You’d imagine this is because she spends her mornings doing Bikram yoga with Lucifer, but it’s actually slightly less depraved. She’s just refusing to acknowledge that you’re a sentient being at all at this point. After all, you did just pull that passive aggressive shit on Facebook, and she isn’t stupid. She kind of thinks you’re a whiny bitch right now. It’s easy for her to write you off as the bad guy because she probably has some sort of actual feelings for the guy that go beyond I-met-him-last-night-at-Bar-48-and-now-I’m-in-love. Maybe she’s an ex-girlfriend, or an old gal pal, or the chick he’s developed a semester-long (meaningless) flirtation with in his chem lab, but she likes him — likes him, likes him, and for some reason, that makes her feel entitled to him. There’s no way he should be with his actual girlfriend! She’s totally standing in the way of our true love! Why can’t he see-eeee, he belongs with me!
The only way to make her care is to humanize yourself to her — befriend the enemy. If you transform yourself from the obstacle she now sees you as to a regular girl who’d be devastated if some girl tried to screw her relationship up, guilt will get her. Plan to spend some quality time with her. Organize an outing, but don’t be too obvious. If you’re over-eager to see her, or God forbid plan something in her honor, she’ll immediately realize all you want to do is check her out for yourself to see that she’s just as awful in real life as she is on Twitter. Plan something for him and casually invite her. I know you’ll cringe picturing her laughing “I’m going to bang your boyfriend” with her friends as she accepts your invitation, but just know you’re one step ahead of her and this whole ordeal means “Not for long.” Once you’re together, don’t be nice, be awesome. Nice is fake, awesome is a person whose boyfriend doesn’t get fucked by other girls. Everybody knows that bathrooms are for bonding, so strike a need to pee, strike a conversation, and make that bitch your betch.
If she doesn’t lose, make her lose.
Your relationship is not a game, so this is a last resort, but she brought you here. At this point, it’s not about you — it’s not even about him, it’s about her. She set a goal for herself, and she intends to achieve it. This is when home-wrecking becomes truly vicious and sociopathic: when you’re doing it just to prove to yourself that you can. Your boyfriend is the prize, you are the competition, and winning is what matters. She’s going to up the ante, undermine you, and literally compete with you for his love.
Some competitive public flirting will make you want to rip her uterus out through her mouth, but I urge you to hold off because you can use this to your advantage. As soon as she does something that goes beyond “inappropriately ‘liking’ a status” your boyfriend made, you can bring it to his attention and he won’t tell you “you’re just being paranoid.” It wasn’t okay for her to caption the photo of them “lovers,” it wasn’t okay for her to call him at 3:00AM asking where he was, and it wasn’t okay for her to tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back. If you delicately (but repeatedly) point out to him that she’s making you uncomfortable, a good boyfriend will agree to cut off contact with her. She’ll think you’re a crazy bitch, but that’s just because she lost her own game, and you were able to silently and politely say:
“YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH. I tried to play nice, but you weren’t having it, so take your pale, busted-up, acne-filled face the fuck away from my boyfriend. You’re nothing but a miserable, self-absorbed, walking, fucking vagina who tries to fuck with other people to prove to herself that she isn’t overwhelmingly average in every single way. If you think it will make you happy, you’ve got a-fucking-nother think coming, because the negativity you bring with you wherever you go can never breed happiness. I honestly don’t give a flying, walking, or running fuck what becomes of you, but know this: if you start with me again, I will fucking destroy you.”
Or if you’re me, you drunkenly say it to her face. It’s really a matter of preference at this point. Game over.
Nice Move244
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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