Everyone knows that the only reason Christmas was even invented was so we’d have an excuse to post the same type of pictures that we post the other eleven months of the year while dressed in festive attire. Like, duh. I love the holidays, and so does every other sorority girl on the face of the earth. You know what that means? You’re going to be hard pressed to seem original with the captions on your inevitable gingerbread-laden Instagrams this December. Luckily for you, I came up with a few options for the pictures that you will more likely than not find yourself posting for the rest of the month. You’re welcome.
*Picture of you wearing a Santa hat*
So, who is going to tell Saint Nicholas that Kanye named his son after him?
*Picture of you and a friend clearly at a holiday event*
All we want for Christmas is a decrease in society’s proclivity for materialism and everything in our shopping carts on Nordstrom.com.
*Picture of the gingerbread house that you decorated*
I know it seems small, but after all of the student loans that I’ve taken out and all of the Taco Bell that I’ve purchased, it’s going to be all I can afford until I meet my husband and can finally live the life of luxury that I deserve. I just hope that the inside feels bigger than it looks when I move in.
*Picture of an artfully placed glass of wine alongside your Christmas dinner*
This Holiday szn I am thankful for the lack of judgment that my friends and the cashiers in my college town have when I purchase double bottles of Moscato multiple times in one week.
*Picture of you with your dad*
If my dad knew how many terrible decisions I made on a weekly basis, I would definitely get coal in my stocking.
*Picture of you with your not-boyfriend that you don’t warn him you’re posting, causing him to panic and cut off all communication with you for at least a week*
I know when those sleigh bells ring, it can only mean one thing. My regular hookup is drunk enough off of whiskey and eggnog that he has convinced himself that texting me is a good idea, despite the fact that it’s the Wednesday of finals week.
*Picture of you with eight of your best friends in reindeer antlers*
Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer, and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blixen! If you’re wondering where Rudolf is, someone offered her a line in the bathroom.
*Picture of your Christmas list that most likely includes “world peace” alongside a new Kate Spade bag*
Now I’m making a list of all my past hook-ups so I know what my number really is even though I’m still totally going to continue to tell everyone that it’s three. And I’m checking it twice, because God forbid I would forget a Grinch or two.
*Picture of you kissing your best friend*
You can probably convince me to kiss my best friend under the mistletoe if you get us drunk enough!
*Picture of you with your boyfriend posing candidly*
Merry Christmas, baby. This year for Christmas I got you a new button down, pants that aren’t high waters, and a cashmere quarter zip so if you got me socks again I’ll make this your last Christmas.
*Picture of you dressed in cold weather attire next to a snowman*
I didn’t even build this snowman myself, I paid a neighbor kid five dollars to do it because I wanted an excuse to wear my new diamond earrings and to caption a picture “Frosty” with the diamond and snowflake emojis without looking like a ho.
*Picture of a Barbecue Briquette close up*
Is this my heart or the Grinch’s? Ha, just kidding this is a barbecue briquette that I thought might be coal because I actually don’t know wtf coal even is, but we definitely didn’t have any just laying around in our garage like I thought we would.
*Picture you take of yourself from the legs down reclining on a bed with a computer open and “Love Actually” on the screen, alongside a hot chocolate in the hand that isn’t taking the picture*
Baby it’s cold outside so I’m definitely going to skip class and watch Netflix because my Uggs don’t have nearly as much traction in the snow as I thought they would and last week I slipped in front of some frat guys and they laughed at me.
*Picture of you (with or without siblings) sitting on Santa’s lap*
Ho Ho Ho, raise your hand if you think Santa cheats on Mrs. Claus.
*Picture of you with your grandfather*
My Grandpa is Santa’s complete doppelgänger if you just squint your eyes, tilt your head, and ignore the fact that he had gastric bypass surgery last year so he’s actually super skinny.
*Picture of your entire extended family squeezed into the living room, that was most likely taken by your uncle’s “friend” Maurice*
Isn’t it so great getting together with family for the holidays? This shot was snapped right before Great Aunt Jeanine got a little heavy-handed with her punch pouring and started saying really racist comments that made everyone a little more than a little uncomfortable.
*Picture of you wearing oven mitts and holding a pot roast fresh out of the oven*
I’m standing next to this pot roast so as to insinuate that I cooked it in the hopes that a guy will think I’m wife material because I’ve been planning a New Years Eve kiss photo and already have the dress, glitter, filter, and lipstick color. All that’s missing is the guy!
*Picture of you with your parents and siblings that was probably used for your family Christmas card*
I’ll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams. And by home I mean back in my college town, because we all know that more than three days spent back under my parent’s roof is incredibly excessive.
*Throwback picture of you on the beach somewhere *
Tiny Tots with their eyes all aglow will find it hard to sleep tonight. And so will I, because I’m pretty sure that my parents are surprising us with a trip to Bora Bora and I can’t remember if I left my triangl swimsuit at Molly’s cabin this summer so I have a lot of anxiety atm.
*Picture of a loaded bong*
Getting hella holidazed before my flight.
*Picture of you dressed in ski attire*
The last time I saw this much white powder was on Beta Beta Beta’s winter formal last month!
Happy holidays, ho’s..