Is Everyone Getting Dick Pics But Me?

I've Never Gotten A Dick Pic

“Okay, so we’d been texting for, like, I don’t know, a week, maybe? Nothing too serious, just some casual bullshit. And I’m sitting in class on Wednesday, I hadn’t heard from him yet all day, and LOOK what he sends me.”

Courtney passed her phone around to reveal a hard, pink penis with a singular prominent vein front and center. I was shocked. Up until this point, I thought that dick pics were urban legends — folklore that high school seniors and Jezebel writers told to get some kind of reaction of terror out of people. But there it was — a screen with an erect penis and a full scrotum meeting my gaze.

“Eww!” my friends chorused. “Why the fuck do they do that?”

“They” do that? I thought to myself. This isn’t a one-time thing?

“I don’t fucking know, but it’s disgusting. I usually only get them on Snapchat, but he full-on texted this to me, which means it COULD be one dick of many he has stored up on his phone for unsuspecting young ladies like me.”

“Define ‘lady.’”

“Shut the fuck up, Nicole.”

This was insane to me. Not only did my friend get a real live dick pic, but it had happened before. And it had, seemingly, happened to all my friends. I had to know more.

“Were you guys, like, sexting?” I asked “Or was this just out of nowhere?” …you know, like the Jezebel writers say it will be in the dystopian fantasy world I just found out is realer than I thought.

“Out of nowhere! Can you believe that? What girl actually ever wants a dick pic?” she asked.

“No one,” my friends agreed.

Except…except maybe I did. If you haven’t put the pieces together yet, I’ll share with you a little secret — one I didn’t share with my friends that day, and may not share with them ever. I’m filled with shame and remorse when I tell you that to date, I have never received a dick pic.

I’ve heard the tales. I did my time. And I waited. I got on Tinder. I suggestively flirted via text with guys who only liked me for my vagina. And I even initiated some dirty talk. But the dick pics? They never came. So I’d resolved, years ago, that they weren’t real. And now that I learned they are? I’m not handling it too well.

You see, it was something I never knew I wanted until I realized I was the only one who didn’t have it. I’d sexted plenty of times before. I’d sent my fair share of nudes — hell, I even flick my nipple while my shirt is on before sending a guy a selfie. And I’ve asked for nothing in return. I thought I could ask for nothing in return. But now I learn that real men out there — seemingly normal dudes — are sending out photographs of their penises to the women they’d like to receive them both digitally and physically.

I had so many questions. How are most dick pics positioned? Up close and personal? Mirror pic that just happens to feature casual dong? Laying down with two hairy white legs poking out either side? Next to some other object so you have a frame of reference? How?

And is it the norm to send a dick pic if the girl has never seen your dick in real life? Do these normally come out of the blue or amid an actual sext conversation:

“Hey, look, my tits are down here. On your phone.”
“Gee willikers. This is what my dick looks like now. Standing ovation. Two thumbs and one dick way up!”

And most importantly… why not me? I mean, I’m a cute girl. I’m fun! I’m knowledgeable on how to bring a penis from 0 to 100, or at the very least 0 to 85. What is it about me that says no dicks shall pass? Why, when a guy is perving out on Snapchat, do I not cross his mind?

I know, I know, I could go my whole life without being visually assaulted by someone’s throbbing member, and I’d probably get on just fine. And as it turns out, a lot of these dick pics are unwanted and a little bit weird. But half the fun of rejecting a dick pic is that you got one in the first place, ya know? It’s knowing that a guy wanted you to see his penis, and then getting to choose to laugh, show it to your friends, or secretly rub one out at the idea of turning someone on. I assume.

I guess you could say, the bottom line is, I’m feeling a little left out here. Yes, I’ve seen photos of dicks before. I mean who hasn’t Googled “dude with red pubes” just to see what came up? (Don’t do this if you haven’t.) And yes, I’ve seen dicks in real life. But I’ve never had someone put forth that kind of extra effort, ya know? I’ve never had someone work hard at making his schlong look just right, just for me. A guy has never looked down at his penis and thought to snap a photo with the caption “Hey, this made me think of you.”

Don’t feel bad for me, guys. This is the cross I bare. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why. All I know is I haven’t given up hope — one day my dick will come.

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