I’m beyond the point of being offended every time someone calls me “crazy.” I would prefer “emotional” or “passionate” or “zany” if I had my pick, but I don’t have my pick. Men call women crazy pretty regularly, because they don’t understand them. Too often, we let our emotions control us, and that can lead to our doing some things that do, in fact, seem pretty crazy to the type of person who is so low-key that he’ll wear the same shirt on Thursday that he wore on Monday, without realizing the social implications (read: most guys). But there is a fine line between “girl crazy” (the type of overly-emotional and irrational behavior that most of us are guilty of) and “crazy crazy” (the batshit stuff that leads to restraining orders). I pride myself on being the former, and though that can still mean I do things that are illogical, immoral, and ridiculous, it doesn’t mean I should be institutionalized. It probably just means I’m on my period. For any women who have been called the C-word, or for any men who don’t know the difference, read on and learn, my friends.
Girl Crazy: Reads through your Facebook messages. Just once, because you left it open on her computer. And she feels really bad about it.
Crazy Crazy: Sends sexy messages to the girl she’s irrationally jealous of and gauges her reaction to determine whether this is the type of thing you normally do.
Girl Crazy: Secretly hates the girl you’re talking to at the bar, gives her side eyes, and bitches to her friends because “she’s such a fucking slut.”
Crazy Crazy: Confronts said girl at the bar, tells her to back the fuck off her man, and promises to make her life a living hell if she touches you. Possibly throws in a “plus, he has genital warts” for good measure.
Girl Crazy: Plans your wedding on Pinterest. Probably jokes to her friends about being in love with you way before she is.
Crazy Crazy: Invites you to be her fiancé on Facebook.
Girl Crazy: Calls you an idiot for trying to solve her problems. Screams, “YOU’RE SO INSENSITIVE. I DON’T NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO FIX IT. I JUST WANT YOU TO LISTEN.”
Crazy Crazy: Calls your mother to complain about what an insensitive boyfriend you are, and exclusively blames her for how fucked up you turned out.
Girl Crazy: Tells you she doesn’t mind when you cancel on her to hang out with your friends, but then gets upset when you do it, because mind-reading is a skill she looks for in a man.
Crazy Crazy: Tells you she doesn’t mind when you cancel on her to hang out with your friends, then shows up to guy’s night, throws shit around the room, breaks a dish or two, empties the snacks onto the floor, and steals the beer.
Girl Crazy: Cries for reasons that she made up in her head, or for no reason at all.
Crazy Crazy: Pours Nair into your shampoo bottle, or exacts other revenge on people who made her cry for reasons she made up in her head, or for no reason at all.
Girl Crazy: Stalks the absolute shit out of you on the internet and analyzes photos of your prom date’s dress to determine what that means about the likelihood that you’ll be a good father.
Crazy Crazy: Stalks the absolute shit out of you in real life by staging run-ins based on your class schedule (which she’s memorized), leaving notes on your car, and showing up to your house uninvited, refusing to leave until you agree to date her.
Girl Crazy: Calls you excessively when she’s drunk. When alcohol is involved, the number of times no longer matters. She will keep calling until you pick up or someone steals her phone, because she doesn’t realize what she’s doing.
Crazy Crazy: Continues to call you excessively the next day. And text you. And send you Facebook messages. And emails. Then she calls your friends. Your mother. Maybe she takes up a job at your frat house as the chef.
Girl Crazy: Gets mad at you when she picks up on the subtle but shady shit you’re doing, even though she doesn’t have facts yet. She’s intuitive, and you’re busted.
Crazy Crazy: Accuses you of shit you’re not actually doing–shit you’re not actually thinking of doing–and keys your car because of it.
Girl Crazy: Screams at you, possibly in public, after you cheat on her.
Crazy Crazy: Screams at you, possibly in public, because you forgot she doesn’t like tomatoes.
Girl Crazy: Talks about how much she wants a baby. Maybe even jokes about making you a daddy so she can laugh as you squirm.
Crazy Crazy: Pokes holes in condoms or lies about being on birth control, because she’s actually trying to make you a daddy.
Girl Crazy: Tells you white lies, such as, “It’s the biggest I’ve ever seen!” and “No, I wasn’t flirting with him,” and “Yes, I love your mother!”
Crazy Crazy: Tells stories and justifies arguments as if she is from an alternate dimension. She makes up false scenarios, and what’s worse, she seems to believe them. You can’t trust a single word out of her mouth.
Girl Crazy: Overanalyzes your text messages and gets upset–and maybe even calls you out on it–when it takes you seven minutes instead of your average three to respond.
Crazy Crazy: Throws your phone into the nearest body of water (and if that’s a toilet bowl, so be it) BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T ANSWER HER, YOU SHOULDN’T ANSWER ANYONE.
See, fellas? Be careful throwing that word around. Trust me, it could get worse..
Nice Move701
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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