It’s come to my attention that I may have a “like” problem. My mom has been saying so for years, and I’ve recently been called out for excessive use of the word “like” by four different men, all of whom I’ve only interacted with in writing. The thing is, I honestly feel that almost every time I use it, there is a legitimate purpose for it. My mom just doesn’t get it because she’s old, and to those guys it was just more obvious because it was written and not spoken. It’s a generational thing…and everyone in the world is just going to have to get used to it. I guarantee you 90% of the times you use this word, it was justifiable, because it’s faster than some douchey multiple-syllabic alternative.
To show enjoyment or favorable feelings toward something/someone: “I feel favorably toward like Aiden.”
To show something is characteristic: “That is sooo characteristic of like you to go for him.”
To show similarity: “Well, he’s the president of IFC so he’s the same as like campus royalty.”
To express ‘in a certain way’: “Like how? In the way that Like he’s literally parading around with little minions and is immune to rules?”
To re-explain something: “No, I meant like…he’s a big deal.”
To exemplify: “He’s just perfect for me. For example Like he’s the perfect amount of asshole. He makes those douchey comments but he’s not trying to actually hurt me, ya know?”
To Facebook: “And he liked my status. That has to count for something? Right? No?”
To warn the other person you’re about to say something gay: “I don’t know, you’re just like….a really amazing person and you’ve like…touched so many people in positive ways. I don’t know how I feel about him. I don’t want him to hurt you.”
To approximate: “Ugh, I think you’re right. The other day we were texting for approximately like three hours”
To mean a little bit/kind of: “…and he like…sucks.”
To express desire: “I was bored so I wanted to felt like texting him, but it ended up being this whole big thing.”
To express dialogue: “So I said was just like, ‘Hey, what are you doing next weekend? It’s my sorority’s date function’ blah blah blah.”
To explain the nature of something: “And I explained that it was like an outdoor thing so it was casual.”
To lessen the severity of something (combined with long pause): “And then he started freaking out talking about relationships, so I TOLD him “I’m not like….trying to be your girlfriend or something. I just like….wanted you to come on my date function.”
To express thoughts: “And he continued freaking out and I was thinking like seriously you douchefuck! I’ve wasted four months on you!!!! But I obviously couldn’t say that, so I just didn’t even respond.”
To express feelings: “Now I’m just feeling like whatever about the whole situation. I might ask someone else.”
To emphasize something (combined with long pause): “You like…….should.”
I think I’ve covered it all, so, if you use the word for some OTHER reason that wasn’t mentioned here…then you’re stupid, (or I am for not thinking of it), (or you’re just nervous and using it for filler). But any of these is absolutely fine, and I’m not even a little bit sorry about it. In FACT, I think everyone ELSE is stupid for mocking us incorrectly on it. It’s very clear. The word has specific grammatical rules, and if you don’t get it, I’ll assume you’re old, boring, have a penis, or some combination of the aforementioned.
Follow me on Twitter @HotPiece_TSM
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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