All my life I was taught that sex was something boys lived for, and girls tolerated. Almost every movie, TV show, book, or magazine, advertised that all men were horndogs, ready and willing to fuck anything that moved. Sex was something boys begged girls for, and girls conceded only in order to get something else out of it. Like free drinks, or another date, or the leverage to force said boy to go apple picking with them in the fall.
My young and impressionable self took these representations as fact. Girls don’t like sex. Girls shouldn’t want sex. Sex is not fun for girls. As my friends got into relationships, and I remained a virgin (not exactly by choice), my way of thinking was only confirmed. Those friends who were having sex bitched about it almost non-stop. “It’s all he wants to do,” they would complain. I distinctly remember sitting with several of my friends as they discussed their best excuses for not having sex. “Tell him you have a migraine,” “Say you’re on your period,” “Pretend to be asleep,” were only a few of the many they had ready to bust out the second he tried to “bust it out.” I took mental notes, preparing myself for a future of mediocre sex and a lot of “migraines.”
When I finally lost my virginity with a one-night stand boy I totally loved and cared about, my opinion was not swayed. It was just okay, not painful, not awful, but I definitely felt like he enjoyed himself way more than I did. After that, I didn’t have sex again for an entire year, not by any real conscious choice; I just didn’t have any incentive to try again.
That changed when I got to college. Sex was everywhere, and everyone seemed to be having it. I didn’t want to miss out, so I figured I would give it one more shot. It was a drunken night, after a typical frat basement party. As I stumbled home in my bodycon skirt and neon crop top (gag), I ran into one of my new guy friends. Somehow him walking me home turned into him in my room, which quickly turned into both of us naked on the comforter my mom had picked out for me at Target (sorry, Mom). Again, it wasn’t amazing, but something was different this time. I realized I really wanted to do it again, maybe not with this guy, but definitely again. I kept this to myself, as my friends asked “How did he convince you to sleep with him?” and “How bad was it?”
Throughout my college career, I continued to have sex, with boyfriends, hookups, or one-night stands. I never turned it down once it was on the table, not for anything. I could wake up at 4 AM to a boner poking my back and I would be ready to go. In the beginning, most guys loved that. Eventually, however, the novelty of wanting sex anytime and anywhere wore off. It became an issue of me always wanting it, and them turning it down for friends, or video games, or sleep. I felt like there was something wrong with me, especially when I heard that my friends in relationships were having sex once or twice a week, and I was trying to have it once or twice a day. They joked that I had the sex drive of a guy. The word “nymphomaniac” may have been thrown around a few times. Eventually all of the joking really started to get to me. I felt self-conscious and slutty, despite the fact that I was in a committed relationship at the time. I stopped talking to my friends about my sex life, and just nodded along silently as they complained about theirs.
It took me expanding my group of friends and becoming more comfortable with myself to realize that they were wrong. I don’t have the “sex drive of a guy,” whatever that means. I have a healthy and normal sex drive, despite what we’re all taught to believe about women and sex. I know I’m not alone in this either. Since becoming more open about everything, I’ve met so many other girls who feel the same way I do, but are too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. It’s not fair that guys are encouraged to have sex, and to enjoy it, but that same encouragement was never offered to most girls when we were growing up. The world is changing, and with it, the stereotypes we were all taught are changing too. So embrace your sex life. Whether you love sex, hate it, or just generally don’t give a fuck about it. Whatever you’re into, own it and definitely don’t be embarrassed about it. Because at the end of the day, we’re all just trying to get off..
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