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It’s True: Women Really Are All Bitches

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Being a sorority girl (or hell, let’s be honest, a female in general) makes it sort of a given that at some point in our career of living, someone will call us a bitch. It’s just, like, the rules of feminism. Sure, sometimes it’s uncalled for and we get pissed. This is usually when a guy we denied (sorry not sorry) or a jealous girl (don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful) utters the word.

Other times, it’s completely warranted and we accept it, because frankly, sometimes it’s true. It’s justified when we drop a girl because her brother is our ex, or when the person in front of us gets the last PSL at Starbucks. (Can it be fall yet?) Either way, after being called this word basically every day since I got child-bearing hips (thanks, Mom) I finally really thought about the insult. We all know that the slang of “bitch” is, like, a bitch. You know, rival sorority, perfect hair, big boobs, Daddy’s credit card–AKA your worst nightmare. But Webster’s defines a bitch as follows:

Bitch
/biCH/
noun
noun: bitch; plural noun: bitches; noun: a bitch
1. a female dog

This got me thinking: women really ARE bitches. We literally are female dogs.* It’s the truth, and I have the facts.

  1. We would sleep literally all day if you let us.
  2. We get really excited about our meals.
  3. To the point of where we reward everything with food.
  4. And we will eat basically anything you put in front of us.
  5. We get super excited about something for about 30 seconds before we stop.
  6. We play games on our terms.
  7. LOL I’m not fetching unless I want to fetch (and fetch isn’t going to happen).
  8. We can sleep anywhere.
  9. On anything.
  10. All fart accusations are responded to with a blank look of innocence.
  11. We get really sad if you yell at us and we will mope in the corner until you apologize.
  12. We have perfected the puppy-dogs eyes.
  13. If you rub us the wrong way, we’ll totally snap.
  14. Sometimes we don’t like people for literally no reason. Whoops.
  15. If you don’t pay attention to us, we’ll make you pay attention to us.
  16. Scratch our head and we’re yours forever.
  17. We’re man’s TRUE best friend (the bros are just a place holder, obviously).
  18. We’ll dig through your trash and find your secrets (figuratively and uh…sometimes literally).
  19. You’re sharing your food.
  20. We sometimes expose our lady parts to get attention. (I’m talking titties. I’m not THAT hardcore.)
  21. We get so excited to see people we like to the point of jumping, yelling, and crying.
  22. We’re afraid of the dumbest things (bugs, thunder, the girl who keeps liking his shit on Facebook).
  23. And yet we’re fearless in the face of the dumbest things (the street, chasing something, men).
  24. We’re possessive of our property.
  25. And we will mark our territory. (We aren’t actually #blessed. We just want others to think it.)
  26. Our “man” drags us along and expects us to accept wherever he takes us.
  27. So when we don’t want to do something, we play dead (or pretend our phone is dead).
  28. We don’t take shit from catty people. (Yes, that’s a cat pun.)
  29. We really don’t care if our shit is in your way. We do what we want, when we want.
  30. We know that sometimes, you have to kiss ass.
  31. We aren’t above begging for what we want.
  32. We can be the most loyal, loving, and above all, best friend you will ever have. Treat us right, makes us feel special, and feed us and you will be in the presence of true love and devotion. And you thought being called a bitch was bad? Basically it’s a compliment.

Thanks, assholes.

*Women aren’t actually female dogs. Don’t be dumb.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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