J.K. Rowling Releases New “Harry Potter” Story, Breaks The Internet

Okay, “Harry Potter” fans. Breathe deeply. Just calm down. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God–NEW HARRY POTTER!!!

I’m sorry, I’m a little too excited. Let’s start over.

J.K. Rowling, praise be unto her, decided to come down from the astronomy tower of the no doubt replica of Hogwarts she lives in and release to the masses a new “Harry Potter” story. She published it on the Pottermore website, the site that Jo and Sony developed and released in order to retell the wizard’s epic stories in a new, exciting way, as well as a means to sell the “Harry Potter” e-books. Can’t blame the woman for raking in Galleons wand over fist.

New “Harry Potter.” In 2014. This is a miracle. It’s such a miracle, in fact, that it crashed the Pottermore site this morning when we Yankees woke up and discovered on our Facebook sidebars that there was NEW “HARRY POTTER” OH MY EFFING GOD.

The website is back up, and you can check out the story here, though you need a free Pottermore account to read it…which I’ve had. For months. I even got sorted into a house (Sassy Slytherin, betches, we fierce and we’re totally not racists or supremacists anymore).

I finally read it, and it’s actually a Daily Prophet article written by the one and only Rita Skeeter, titled “Dumbledore’s Army Reunites At Quidditch World Cup Final.” No doubt, Rowling timed it intentionally to coincide with the Muggle FIFA World Cup, which I would trade in a heartbeat just to SMELL a Nimbus 2000. Sorry, sexy Brazilian soccer players, but it’s quidditch. I’d take a rigid broomstick over an overinflated rubber ball any day.

No spoilers, but Harry is 34 years old in the story and has “a couple of threads of silver in the famous Auror’s hair.” Stop. STOP. STAHHHP. A silver fox version of Harry Potter? My body is SIMPLY not ready. It also talks about an aging Ron Weasley, an ambitious Hermione, an auspiciously absent Ginny. Rowling even manages to drop a Viktor Krum reference in there. Who says there’s no room for sexy Bulgarians in literature?

There’s also a brief mention of Newt Scamander, the subject of the upcoming “Harry Potter” film, “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” which is set to hit theaters in November 2016. There were also a few other teasers that led me to believe that maybe…just maybe…trying not to get my hopes up…but there’s some new “Harry Potter” story coming down the pipe? This sassy as fuck reporter sure does hope so.

Between this and the new Diagon Alley expansion of Universal Studios’ The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, it’s a great time to be a Pott-head. Again.

[via Mashable]

Image via Simply My Therapy