Just Because I’m An Incredibly Reckless Driver Doesn’t Mean You Have To Be All Dramatic About It


I drive fast. I take turns a little sharp. I lose my voice screaming at drivers who hopefully will never hear me. I spend 80% of the time looking for a good song to listen to and the other 20% is dedicated to full-blown car-eography performance for no one. Maybe I’m not exactly the safest driver. But this is not grounds for you to get in my face because we “just barely missed that 18 wheeler.”

Look, I was trying to do you a favor. I know that you were driving around from school to work to whatever it is you do in a day, so I thought that you would appreciate the fact that you didn’t have to worry about driving for the rest of the day. We’re just going to the mall, and it’s what, 10 minutes away? And you’re sitting over there hyperventilating because of my firm belief that I always have the right of way. You can’t live life letting people go ahead of you because it’s “their turn” and you “have a yield sign.” You’re never going to get anywhere, you know.

It’s totally distracting when you keep yelling at me like that. Driving is such a complex activity, and when you try to snatch my phone out of my hand because I’m not looking at the road, all my attention is focused on making sure you don’t get my phone. I’m not texting, that shit is so dangerous. I’ve seen those commercials. I would never mess with that. I’m just trying to find the Instagram of the girl I was just telling you about because you need to see what she looks like for this story to make sense. Why do you get to tell stories and look at Instagram and I don’t?

What I’m trying to get at here is that you entirely overreacting. Have you see a gastroenterologist lately? Because from what it sounds like you have a stick lodge so far up your asshole that it’s effecting your brain. No ration human on the same mental plane as society would have such an adverse reaction to my complete disregard for the speed limit. If it what that serious, then technology would have figured out how to stop me from going 80 in a residential area. But they haven’t so I’m going to keep doing it. Weren’t you the one who said they have to go to the bathroom anyway?

Instead of getting in my face about my driving, how about you thank me? “Hey, thanks for the free ride. I really appreciate you taking time off from scrolling through your ex-boyfriend’s Twitter to teleport me to the place that I wanted to go. It’s so kind of you to pay closer attention to the road than whatever dumbass conversation that I am trying to start while still bumpin’ jams that everyone can enjoy.” I’m not just giving you a ride, I’m also giving you a new lease on life, you ungrateful twat. Now do you have gas money or what?

Image via Shutterstock

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.

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