It Knows When You Are Sleeping
Just when you thought I was about to throw a full-on bitch fit for not replying to my text message, you can now rest easy! Because you are literally resting. And I know that because Snap Maps have cautiously provided me with some Zzzs next to your name to let me know you have not touched your phone in several hours, and also, it is sleepy time. As long as you are dreaming about me, we’re okay! You’re allowed to sleep as long as it’s with me or entirely alone, duh!
It Knows When You’re Awake
If you get on Snapchat in the wee hours of the morning, it will show all the recently awake people holding coffee cups. A crazy girl might say this is a way to get you in trouble, because I’ll know if you’ve awoken from said slumber without sending a good morning text. But I, a non-crazy, think this feature will be beneficial to YOU, because I won’t text you and wake you up when you’re still sleeping! I’m so considerate!
It Knows If You’ve Been Bad Or Good, So Be Good For Goodness’ Sake And/Or The Sake Of Our Relationship
It’s not that I don’t trust you. I trust you. But I just want to show you off. “Oh my God, yeah, he’s at that sports bar tonight, see? Look he’s with all his friends. They’re so cute.” I just want to help you build your brand as a good, fun guy who does activities with his friends, and never with girls, and is always where he says he is. Like you’re welcome for this branding opportunity. Perhaps you’ll even get a few followers out of it.
It Knows When You’ve Left
You know how I’m never actually ready when you get here? Well that’s because I don’t know where YOU are. If I were simply able to follow your car from the moment you left your house all the way up to my doorstep, this wouldn’t be a problem any more! I’d be ready right on time if I knew EXACTLY when you were arriving. You might say “but I text you when I’m leaving to come get you,” and like. Yeah, sure. But I know you lie about this as a buffer. If I’m able to SEE your location, I know you mean business.
It Knows Who You’re With
The better for YOUR personal branding. I’m not trying to stalk everyone’s story and the story of the entire location where you are every time you leave the house because I need to know what you’re up to all the time. This is just a better way for people to see what a comprehensive good time you’re having. I have absolutely NOT followed every girl who I’ve ever viewed as a threat on Snapchat so that I may see also where she is at all times (re: never at your house). That would be crazy. I just want to see how fun the party you didn’t invite me to is!a
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
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