Just like there are stages in your actual life, there are stages in your sorority life. You begin as a nervous PNM, continue on as an excited pledge, then become a dedicated active, and transition into a stressed out officer. Eventually, you’ll reach the final stage — you are the senior who just doesn’t give a shit. There are many defining characteristics of said senior (getting called to standards on a regular basis, not caring that you’re getting called to standards on a regular basis, getting shitfaced on nights other than Thursday-Saturday, and having fits in chapter about your importance to the sorority and how they’ll die without you next year), but one stands out among all others — the conquering of the bitch face. Everyone has some sort of bitch face, but the truly accomplished have learned that different occasions call for different levels of it. As Recruitment Chair, I consider myself extremely well-versed in the levels of bitch face, and I present a guide to help you little babies on your way to becoming just as psychotic, passive aggressive, and overall as perfect as I am.
This is your classic bitch face, in fact, this might be the face you have when you’re not making a face at all. You all know it, and you know it by heart. If you’ve ever been told you have a bitch face, there’s a 99.9% chance this is what people are referring to. This face is a little bit judgy and probably includes a raised eyebrow. Whatever. Sometimes people need to know they’re being judged, and they need someone to put them in their place.
The Recruitment Face
There is a bitch face specific to recruitment, and those of you who have been through a few rounds know exactly what I’m talking about. There are times when you’ve got to keep it together and act like you care about this try-hard’s Lilly dress, or this GDI-who-doesn’t-know-she’s-a-GDI’s intramural softball league, but you’ve practiced and you can successfully act interested without actually giving a shit. When properly executed, these poor, unsuspecting girls will genuinely think you like them…at least until they don’t get a bid.
The “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?”
The “Are you fucking kidding me?” is that look of disdain that settles on your face when someone says or does something SO idiotic that even your world-class recruitment skills can’t hide it. This will happen maaayyyybe once or twice when a new active tries overstep her boundaries in chapter, or when a pledge sister thinks she’s going to ask the guy who doesn’t know he’s your boyfriend yet to semi-formal, or when your roommate drinks your last Diet Coke. This face is harsh, but it works. Use sparingly for maximum dramatic effect.
The “Sorry I’m Not Sorry”
There comes a time when you’ll need to utilize this smug, passive aggressive bitch face with another girl. Maybe you hooked up with your standards chair’s fling at a mixer, maybe you planned the best date function your chapter’s ever seen, effectively pissing off every past social chair, or maybe you spotted your ex out with a girl who is so way beneath you it’s not even funny and you know you’ve won. This face says, “I’m better than you. I know it, you know it, and you know what? I’m not even sorry.”
The “You’re Tacky and I Hate You”
This face has many other names, a few of which are: “You’re dating THAT guy?” “You want THAT girl for a little?” “THOSE are your post-grad plans?” and “You’re rushing THAT sorority?” Every now and then (or 99% of the time, whatever) you’ll run into a girl who is so strangely entitled, without any redeeming qualities at all. She needs to be taken down a notch, and you’re just the person to do it. Don’t let this little ladybug think she has a chance to be a queen bee like you. Just sit back, relax, and put on the “you’re tacky and I hate you” face. You’ll thank me for it later. Trust me.