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Lipscomb University Geed Suggests “Pre-Country Club Major” For Greeks

The next installment in the saga of GDI Internet spam has continued with this little gem published on a blog by a student at Lipscomb University in Nashville, TN. This *ahem* “clever parody” takes a stab at Greek life by throwing out the idea of a “Pre-Country Club” major offered exclusively to members of the Greek community. Let’s hear how this classy individual describes this “hilarious” new major:

The campus has been a hotbed of excitement this past weekend as pledging finally came to a close. Students who just completed the pledging process are calling their moms to let them know they are not dead and calling all their old friends to let them know they are now too good for them. We here at the office of The Buffalo don’t know what happens at pledging (presumably a release of internalized sexual frustration), however we are very excited to cover a breaking announcement about the future of social clubs at Lipscomb.

Let’s not dance around things here: social clubs are the most elite students on campus. With big shirts that display letters from a language none of them speak and the best friends money can buy, they have the college experience one can only dream of (if the college experience you dream of includes an excess of croakeys, khaki and cornhole). So you can only imagine the buzz around campus brought about by the announcing of the brand new “Pre-Country Club Major” now offered by Lipscomb.

The school is very excited to announce this new major geared toward preparing students in social clubs for their future in paying to be a part of a privileged minority. Classes will include the following: Intro to Exclusivism, Survey of Subtle Racism, History of Condescension, Business and the 1%, Pre-CC Seminar: Using Friendships to Succeed, and many more. Students are excited to finally start studying the things they feel they were born to do.

Administrators decided to add this new academic option after meeting to brainstorm any possible way Social Clubs might prepare students for real life. “We are very excited to be able to provide students with the means to acquire the skills necessary to continue thinking they’re better than everyone else,” said one administrator who definitely exists. “I’m only surprised it’s taken us this long.”

Students will be happy to learn that choosing this major comes with many perks. In order to truly mimic the luxurious country club lifestyle they are preparing for, Pre-CC Majors will be given a golf cart (which naturally comes with a caddie that laughs at all their dumb jokes), a wardrobe full of sweater vests, and a briefcase full of their parents’ achievements. Students in this new exciting major will also officially be given an exclusive area to hangout in. It’s located on the front steps of the student center. ‘Won’t that block students trying to walk in and out the student center?’ you might ask. Yes. The answer is yes. It does.

Everyone loves to joke about Greeks and how rich we are (like that’s some kind of insult). In the specific case of the individual who wrote this piece, need I remind you, that you’re probably sitting pretty on some of your parents’ money, too? You attend a private university, the tuition at which exceeds $30K a year, making you one of the pretentious pricks you’re describing. Just ask anyone in the rest of the world. Do you know how many people can’t afford college education, much less a private one? When your bachelor’s degree is going to cost over $100K, the cost of going Greek is hardly going to make or break the bank.

As for the rest, while that major sounds awesome, I think you’re a little off-base here. You’re arguing that Greek life is all fun and games and that our success is due primarily to the bonds formed over beer bongs. To some extent, you have a point. We do like fun and games, but we also get our shit done. Some of the most successful people I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with have been Greek. That’s not an accident. Just because our idea of a good time doesn’t include blogging at an independent coffee shop about how the cool kids are just “too good for everyone” meanies, doesn’t mean we aren’t taking care of business. We take our classes, work, and intern just like the rest of you, but we do it while balancing the time constraints involved in recruitment, pledging, chapter meetings, event planning, service hours, and managing hundreds of people with our officer positions. It’s not that we’re just all so privileged, because of our railroad money. These things set us up for success, and is it really so terrible to want to be successful in the careers we hope to have after graduation? Successful people make names for themselves. They change the world. And yes, they join country clubs.

They also join Rotary Clubs, the Parent-Teacher Association, and City Councils, all of which require success and practice exclusivity. Isn’t it just awful to be a part of those organizations? After all, admission to them isn’t available to every member of society, and exclusion is evil. In fact, even within those organizations, different members hold different levels of responsibility. Not all members are equal. I think I heard somewhere that those scoundrels call it “structure,” and that, indeed, sounds terrible.

In a world where we’re terrified of hurting fragile feelings, in a world where we preach equality over merit so that everyone feels special, everyone gets a trophy, everyone gets a gold star — you’re right. Greek life is horrible. It ruins lives, it hurts feelings, and it creates a divide. But if you take a moment to consider what’s really at the heart of this issue, what you’re burning at the stake is the hope of success. Greeks join their organizations, not to alienate themselves from everyone else — quite the opposite. They do it to become a part of something. That something is full of tradition. That something has a reputation for turning out some of the world’s greatest leaders and thinkers. That something can and does make a positive difference in the world. That something is bigger than any of us.

Maybe you think we’re just sitting on piles of cash waiting to be spoon fed our next success story, and from where you sit, it does seem that way. Our parents before us were successful, and we hope someday to be successful, too. We want to enjoy all the wonderful things in life, and if that makes us horrible people, than I suppose we are the life-ruiners you say we are. There’s nothing left to say, other than “I’ll see you at the country club, guy. Extra lime in my vodka soda, please.”

ALSO: *croakies.

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RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at [email protected]

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