There are two kinds of people in this world: people who will flat out insult you, and people who will opt for the subtle burn because they think it’s “nicer.” Yeah, that last group, you suck. Lowkey burns are just as bad, if not worse, than straight up insults. Now that’s not to say I don’t love an artfully disguised insult, because oh baby, I do. There is a time and a place for saying “Fuck you” or “Shut up, Kate, go fix your eyebrows.” My all-time favorite lowkey insult to every Captain Obvious in this world is “I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.” When delivered with an upbeat tone, 90% of the time, they’ll take it as a compliment. Howeverrr, some of these lines backfire more often than not, and will end up making people hate your guts once they start thinking about what you just said. Beware of the following:
Phrase: “That’s just how I was raised”
Why It Sucks: One time me and some sisters were in this girl Karlie’s car, zooming down the road as she rushed to get us to an event 20 minutes early. As sisters do, we were giving her a lot of shit for it. Cool it Ricky Bobby, NASCAR qualifications aren’t for another month. She’s the kind of gal who thinks that if you’re on time, you’re already late, and obsesses over being early to the point where it stresses everyone else the fuck out. At one point during our roast of Karlie, she got irritated and hit us with the big one: “Ok guys, well that’s just how I was raised.” Shots. Fired. Those are some fighting words if I’ve ever heard any, and there’s a good chance that anyone you say those to will resent you forever. Not only are you saying that I was raised by perpetually late wolves, but you’re saying my parents didn’t do a very good job at raising my late ass. I’m on time when it counts, and fashionably late when it’s called for. Don’t drag Steve and Alice into this. Karlie whippin’ out the “that’s just how I was raised” card is basically Karlie saying “my parents are better than your parents.” Not a chance Karlie. My parents are rad.
Phrase: “Classy”
Why It Sucks: Unless you’re the living reincarnation of Grace Kelly, you should never say this. It’s been said before, and it can’t be said enough: people who use this as an insult are the opposite of classy. Odds are you’re a huge hypocrite who did something ratchet less than 24 hours ago, and someone out there probably has a photo of you peeing somewhere public or you with your tits out, maybe even both. Get off your high horse, and stay classy, San Diego.
Phrase: “Maybe it’s because you’re from ~insert region/city/state~”
Why It Sucks: Similar to “that’s just how I was raised”, you’re bringing in my personal background and that of my entire home region. While it seems to surprise anyone who has ever said this, the majority of people in this world have a lot of hometown pride. Going to school in the south, I hear daily, “maybe it’s because you’re from California, but…” “I don’t know how they do it up north, but here…” The list goes on and on. And every time it ends the same way. The girl being told this looks pissed, and will most likely defend her hometown and their practices, deepening the rift between her and the insulter even more. And who could blame them? Personally, I’ll always argue with someone trying to tell me Texas isn’t the greatest state there’s ever been, so it makes sense that everyone else does.
These are all lowkey insults to use at your own risk, although I strongly advise against it. There’s a chance they’ll go over someone’s head and they won’t think anything of it. But if they stop to think about it just a little bit, boom, you’ve got a new person who deep down really doesn’t like you.
Insult responsibly..
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