Mailbag: I Can’t Decide Which Guy To Date

Mailbag: I Can't Decide Which Guy To Make My Boyfriend

Don’t you just hate those girls who have a laundry list of guys at their disposal? Well get over it, because they are living life right. But sometimes juggling multiple men can be hard, which is why one TSM user wrote in to have me solve her problems, which of course, I’m happy to do.

Here’s a little background to the stem of my question. Much like many other women at this stage in my life, there is a man (boy) who has my heart wrapped around his finger. I’m talking head over heels, drop everything now, he can do no wrong, in love. We’ll call him Frank.* Unfortunately for me, Frank is not my boyfriend, fwb, or even a regular hookup. He is a just this boy who I connect with really well, have had one or two passionate nights with, and mutually shared unbelievably deep secrets with. He’s admitted to having feelings for me, but every time we have plans for a real date – you know, like, when it’s daylight out – he cancels and falls of the face of the earth for 2-3 weeks. He also has no job and is starting his 5th year of undergrad.

On the other hand, I have Tom.* Tom is a really sweet guy. I enjoy spending time with him and he’s decent in bed. Most importantly though, Tom makes an effort with me. When plans are made they don’t fall through; he’s consistent. He’s starting in the MBA program this year, and is also the graduate coach for our University’s baseball team. The only issue is, there’s just no spark with Tom. It’s not that I dislike him, I just don’t get fireworks with him like I do with Frank.

So do I choose love or stability? Choosing love would mean waiting for God knows how long for Frank to figure his shit out and hope that he doesn’t un-figure his shit out. Choosing stability would mean just that; having a stable relationship with someone I can rely on and honestly would probably have a pretty good life with, but never having that passion we all want.

First and foremost, I think it’s important that we analyze this situation honestly, and if we’re being honest, you’re not fucking in love with Frank. You slept with him twice, had some intriguing pillow talk that left you wanting more. He’s probably got some cool guy swag that’s got you really interested and attracted to him, but you’re not in love. Not even close. In fact, you barely know him. With that said, I’m not telling you to discount your feelings for him…yet. I’m just telling you to be realistic about them: you’re attracted to him and want to get to know him better — maybe it even feels borderline obsessive — but at this time, it’s still just intrigue and lust.

Then you have Tom who seems lovely, but there’s none of that passion, and honestly, that’s not a bad thing. A girl needs a dude in her life who is reliable — who she can count on for rides home, and presents, and formal dates. Tom is obviously better on paper, and you like him enough. I’m not telling you to ignore your carnal urges, but I’m also not telling you to get rid of him…yet.

I noticed that with both of them you listed their fucking resumes as if you’re literally writing a list of pros and cons about which one is better, which is moving me to tell you that your dilemma, as a whole, is kind of silly. Which one should you “choose”? The answer is staring you right in the face: don’t fucking choose. Be with both of them. Who dafuq cares. Are either of them proposing? Have they expressed some undying love for you? Have they told you they want to be fully committed to you and you to them? No? Then choose them both. And keep choosing them both until it becomes clear to you who you want more, if either of them.

You’re young. You’re not getting married right now. And it doesn’t seem like it’s that serious with either of them. I’m going to be honest, neither of these dudes is your husband. Most likely, neither of them will even be your next boyfriend. Eventually you will get bored of Tom and realize that Frank is an asshole who only wants to sleep with you, but before that point? Have fun. There’s no reason to choose “love” (or rather, lust) over “stability.” Call Frank when you’re drunk and feel like boning. Hit up Tom when you need a formal date, or a shoulder to cry on. And don’t feel like you need to stop until you want to, because as of right now, neither of them have asked you to be exclusive, so don’t.

Do you. And don’t feel like you need to commit yourself to one guy unless that one guy has what you like about each of them.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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