When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up and be a psychiatrist. I thought it would be sOoOo cool to dole out advice/pills to people who would pay me around $200 to sit in a big, comfy chair and listen to their problems. But then I got older and realized that I kind of hated school and I kind of hated people and I kind of needed to be one of those messes getting the advice/pills, not giving them. But you know what? God (Oprah) has a sense of humor. And even though my own therapist refers to me as a strangely dangerous combination of self-obsessed and self-loathing (his words, not mine), I have somehow found myself in a position of constantly being asked for advice. So, without further ado, here goes:
“Alright, hey Catie. I’m asking you for advice because I absolutely love your posts and tweets, and also I really hope you get engaged this year because you deserve it.
So this guy and I started dating the summer before college. We went to the same school, joined houses that do a lot of pairing up together, so we see each other a lot, and so we stayed together for awhile. This past August we split, pretty mutual considering it starting to feel like we were together just to be together.
We met other people for literally like two weeks (he even texted me a damn near novel saying how he “moved on” and was “taking time to do him” seriously it was so pathetic I’ll send it to you if you want) before talking back up.
Then he texted me saying, “Do you want to have casual no strings attached sex ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ”
So that happened for awhile. And now I’m stuck, it obviously feels like we’re together again but we’re not. I really want to just say ‘girl bye’ and walk away, but since there’s 2 years of a relationship behind us, it’s hard to just move on, you know? I know this was a big mistake but oh well it happened and now I’m over it. So my question for you is where do I go from here and how the hell do I say it to him? Thank you so much for your time! I really appreciate your help!
If I had a dollar for every time someone said “I really hope you get engaged this year because you deserve it,” I would have one million dollars — one from you, and $999,999 from me looking at myself in the mirror. What can I say? I’m really into pep talks.
Anyway, moving on to you. The way I see it is that you have two options:
1. Stop screwing him and stop talking to him.
2. Continue screwing him and stop making fun of him.
From what it sounds like in your email, you really are ready to move on. Also, I totally Facebook stalked the shit out of you and you’re way too cute to be with a guy who sends “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” text messages. Seriously. How old is he? Did he fight in WWII? Is he a war hero? Did he know Eisenhower? I’m sorry, I just cannot get over that emoji.
If you’re looking for an out, here it is: give him Cloris Leachman’s number and call it a day. Trust me, he’ll be much happier with someone his own age.
You keep having sex with him. Unfortunately, this means you have to stop shit talking him. If you’re going to willingly climb into his bed at the VA hospital and ride the Viagra train, then you have to take ownership for it. Nobody likes a two-faced Nancy — even if she is volunteering to help the elderly.
But in all seriousness, my honest to God, no joke, for real advice for you is to move on. Let him down gently and then let him go completely. A simple “We tried the whole friends with benefits thing, but it’s too hard and it’s just not working. Now it’s time to give each other some space. I wish you the best and I’ll see you around” will work just fine. It’s short, it’s sweet, and it’s to the point. But whatever you do, don’t text it. You dated the guy for two years, so the least you can do is be a lady and end it face-to-face. Trust me, you’ll be happy you did. Now, please, go find someone your own age. No more of this “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” shit, ya hear?
P.S.: Send me that text. I want to make fun of him some more..