Mailbag: My Parents Don’t Think I’m Good Enough For My Secret Boyfriend

Mailbag: My Parents Don't Think I'm Good Enough For My Secret Boyfriend

Relationships are hard. Finding relationships is really hard. So hard, in fact, that we’re willing to accept less than we want. You wanted to go out to a movie, but Netflix at his house is better than sitting home alone. You wanted to go on a proper date with this guy, but studying together in the library is better than not seeing him at all. A little piece of a relationship is better than nothing. It’s a sad world we live in. But when you feel like you don’t deserve more than that, and worst of all, because your parents told you you don’t, then things get really wonky.

Hey Hot Piece Veronica

I need you help.

I am constantly told by my family that I am to goal driven and independent for any man to ever want me. Seriously, hearing this time after time really beats my ass more than a whole bottle of Everclear the night before exams.

Anyways, I recently started hanging out with this guy who’s a little older than me and out of college. He and I seemed to really hit it off. I mean at the time I wasn’t looking for anything until he told me how much he wanted to work things out with me. I mean come on, he totally just pulled on my female heart strings because thats something every girl wants to hear at one point or another.

Well, then he told me we had to keep it a secret for a while just so he could handle some family stuff and problems with his crazy ex. ( I guess this wasn’t enough of a hint for me to run). I agreed and then he just started to blow me off and there were rumors of him seeing another girl. Not going to lie, I stalked her social media and I have to say, she is really pretty….

So I asked him about it, and he said it wasn’t true. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He still wouldn’t see me in public or around friends. Well, the past few nights, he and this “girl” have been tagged together going to parties and dinner together on Facebook for my friends birthday…I went off on him about this because from day 1 all I have asked for is honesty. If I am not the girl he wants, he just needs to tell me and Im gone.
What I don’t understand is why he can’t even be upfront and even after finding out the truth he still can’t tell me about her. What do I do? I am acting so stupid for wanting this guy, and i don’t know why I am putting myself through this. How can i get over him and make him realize he is missing out on me. HELPPPPPP

Confused Feelings

The simple answer? Stop talking him. Delete his number. Forget him. He just doesn’t like you that much. There are so many red flags here that you’ve convinced yourself they’re just rose-colored glasses, but this guy is no good.

First of all, what’s the deal with your family? It makes me sad that I have to tell you that they are wrong in saying no guy will ever want you, and this kind of mentality is what led you straight into this guy’s arms. You think no one will want you, so when someone wants you a little, you want to hold onto that with all your might, because you were raised to believe that a little love might be the most you can get. Having part of this guy is better than having none of him at all. And that is some bullshit.

We’re in a time where the “trophy wife,” is no longer the ideal. Men are trading in pretty bimbos for beautiful, successful women, because what’s way better than having a wife who’s essentially a pussy? Being a power couple. Just look at George Clooney for fuck’s sake. The simple fact of the matter is if a guy needs a woman without goals and drives — if he needs to be more successful than she is — if he wants her to “act like a woman, so he can feel like a man”? Well, then he probably doesn’t feel like much of a man in the rest of his life. That’s not the guy for you. Simply put, your parents are wrong.

As for this little relationship you’ve got going on, it’s just no good. To borrow words from the great Cyndi Lauper, “Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world. I want to be the one to walk in the sun.” My guess is, like Cyndi, you do too. There’s no reason to keep a relationship a secret, but if there ever was “family stuff” is not it. Neither is pacifying your ex. It’s a cowardice way to move forward in the relationship without having to fully commit. Your secret boyfriend never turns into your forever boyfriend, because things get too twisted somewhere along the way. You feel neglected, he starts to resent you, your friends hate him because they see he’s not giving you what you want, and it just evolves into this shit relationship that’s really hard to come back from.

With this guy, I’m sorry to say it really sounds like he likes you enough to want to keep you around, but not enough to commit. Some of the charming things he’s said are probably true. But he doesn’t like you enough to introduce you to his friends, to announce you to the world, or to stop sleeping with other women. You don’t need to ask me what’s going on with him and this other girl. It’s obvious. And even if there’s nothing going on between them, there’s even less going on between you, because at least he’s willing to be seen in public with her.

Relationships aren’t supposed to be easy all the time, but they’re not supposed to be this hard either. Ask yourself this: Are you happy? Because if a guy makes you anxious, confused, sad, or paranoid, then why do you want to make it work out with him anyway?

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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