Mailbag: Will Guys Still Like Me If I’m A Virgin?

Sex college

Hi Rachel,

First I just wanted to say, I love reading all of your stuff. That’s actually why I’m writing to you today. You’re harsh and blunt and forward and I need that. I feel like you would give me the best answer to this because you appear to be honest in everything you write. Now, some background. I’m pretty much a typical sorority girl, I love my sisters and my big and little are my life. I like to go out and party on weekends, whether it’s a frat party or bar, I’m always down. Even though I’ve been single all throughout college, I’m not against occasionally making out with a random. I’ve never had anything serious, and I liked it that way.

That is, of course, until I met him. The boy. The one who screwed everything up. He’s insanely hot, surprisingly nice, and in my favorite fraternity. Unfortunately, he went home for the summer so our “thing” hasn’t gone past texting and social media. A lot of heavy flirting has been going on lately, and I really like him. So much, in fact, that there is no doubt in my mind that we will be hanging out when school starts.

There is, however, one slight problem. I’m a virgin and I believe that sex is meant for people in love. Not just that, I am waiting until I am truly in love to give up that part of me. I am constantly told that a guy (especially a fraternity guy) would not be too happy with my beliefs and would dump me on the spot. That terrifies me, especially because I really like this guy. So I want to honestly know: do guys really care about the sexual aspect of the relationship that much? Is what my friends are saying true? And are there actually guys out there that are willing to wait until I’m ready? Because I’m really starting to lose hope.

The Token Virgin

Hi there Token V,

Oh honey. Part of me wants to hug you and kiss you and thank you for reaching out to me, and other other part of me is pissed because I’m about to look like a total dick. You sound like a sweet girl with really good intentions which is why this is going to be even harder than I imagined. After reading this, I really wanted to tell you that your friends are lying sluts. I wanted to say that this boy will like you no matter what. I wanted to let you know that you shouldn’t give yourself away and that sex is special and blah blah blah. But that truth is I can’t say any of that.

Your friends are probably right. Guys, especially college guys, want sex. They want a lot of it and they don’t really want to wait for it.

Sure, there are guys who aren’t like that. But not many. And oftentimes they have some psychological problem or a small/crooked/uncircumcised penis. Not all of them. I’m sure there are a few nice, well-endowed boys who are still hanging on to their Vs, but there aren’t a whole lot of them. Especially in college. These three to six years are a time that most people want to explore and figure out who/what they like while accidentally sticking a finger up an asshole or something. That’s why most of us are off humping anyone willing to hump us back.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling this “boy friend” of your is no exception. You’ve been talking and flirting all summer. The fact that he’s contacting you and hasn’t made mention of his moral code and “not being into hooking up,” proves that he’s thought about you naked millions of times. And the fact that you’re going to see him in a few weeks means he’s going to want to have sex with you.

Will he be willing to wait for a little bit? Probably. Until you’re in love? Possibly, but the chances are much slimmer. Maybe he’ll be accepting of your choices and you two will fall in love and get married and have babies and live happily-ever-again. But then again, he might find out that you’re a virgin, find out that you don’t want to change that any time soon, and then call you a tease and stop answering your texts. It’s rude and it’s annoying but it’s also life.

Basically, you’re going to have to make a difficult choice: tell him the truth (and the sooner, the better), stick to your morals, and hope that he’s willing to wait, or tell him the truth (the truth is important), say “to hell with it,” and decide to start your sexual journey now.

Despite what the media or what your pastor says, there isn’t a right answer. If you feel so strongly that you don’t want to roll around naked with a hot guy, then you absolutely shouldn’t. Life, and college will be harder for you, but people do it, and there’s nothing wrong with that decision if you feel it’s the right one. There are guys out there who will wait. They just might be harder to be find.

On the other hand, don’t feel bad about changing your mind if that’s what feels right for you. If I’m being totally honest, I’ve always felt like sex is just sex. It’s a physical act between two people. It’s a chemical, biological, animalistic response to something our bodies were made to do. I get wanting to wait until you’re in love (16-year-old me felt the same way), but I also think it’s okay to go for it. You’re only in college once, and you’re only this hot once.

That sounds horrible, doesn’t it? But for most of us, it’s true. We want to have lots of experiences with a lot of different people. When we say “I love you” or “I do,” we want to know that the person we’re saying it to knows us. All of us. From how we take our coffee to how we take our orgasms (orally and plenty of them, thanks).

At the end of it all, it’s your choice and yours alone to make. No one else can do it for you, and no matter what, it won’t be an easy one to make. Still, you know what they say: don’t buy the cow until you’ve sampled the milk, or something like that.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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