I’d like to preface this by saying Match.com is total bullshit. Sure, I might have gotten solo drunk and made a profile with a bio that said “All of my friends are either getting engaged or in stable relationships and I’m terrified I’m going to become a cat lady which would suck considering I’m allergic to cats,” but the fact that I didn’t get ANY matches is utter bullshit. I’m at least mediocre-looking, just like the “success story” girls, so fuck them.
Anyway, the popular dating site recently released an article directed toward bitter, single males, teaching them how to deal with “overly demanding” girlfriends. The article gives 5 tips on how to deal with girlfriends who demand their boyfriends to be at their beck and call, because “getting walked all over is a danger men in every relationship stage must be wary of,” according to the author, Matt Christensen. Unsurprisingly, his points are all lies.
Tip 1: “Be Nice, But Avoid Letting Anyone Treat you Like a Doormat.”
Oh, so you’re basically telling guys to be assholes? Listen, Matty Boy, every girl goes through a phase where she’s into dating assholes, and that phase unsurprisingly coincides with the phase where she gets drunk and texts said asshole a strand of emojis. This phase starts out cute and ends up borderline suicidal. It’s also known as the first two years of college. One “horror story” of a guy who “did too much” for his girlfriend was told by a man named Eddie who claimed he “had a live in girlfriend that always asked me to do favors for her…she’d ask me to make trips to three or four different stores on my way home from work, just so she could watch The Bachelor! I’m dead serious!”
Oh…wait…why is there something wrong with this? Was Eddie upset he was unable to watch The Bachelor or did it really blow his mind that his girlfriend would ask him to pick a few things up on the way home? I’m sorry, but if my boyfriend isn’t willing to do a few favors for me, I’ll find another one who is.
Tip 2: “Watch Out for a Sense that Your Actions To Please Her Are Usually Motivated By Fear.”
The author advises men against doing nice things for their girlfriends out of the fear that she will be upset, disappointed, or ultimately break up with them. Yes, you should always want to do nice things for someone, but I think putting the fear of a breakup in a guy who is clearly less attractive than you are is what a real stable relationship is about…isn’t it?
Tip 3: “Don’t Be Afraid to Respectfully Disagree With Her.”
Actually, no. Be very, very afraid to disagree, or be prepared to die alone.
Tip 4: “Don’t Let Your Buddies Take the Blame For You.”
Well, the choice is yours. You can either blame going out with your guy friends on their incessant neediness and force me to hate them (which trust me, I do anyway), or you can just seem like a negligent prick.
Tip 5: “When She Pushes You Away, Take The Hint…And Keep Going.”
Well, no shit. Just keep your phone on in case I need you to drive over to my house and bring me fro-yo when I’m having a bad day, or need a ride home from the bar when I’m wasted. Go ahead and get the idea of being my boyfriend out of your head, but don’t you dare move on until I do.
Men are idiots.
Image via Zimbio