Maybe You’re The Asshole Roommate


We seem to be living in an age of self-depreciation, but make no mistake: underneath all of our jokes about dying alone and binge-eating burritos, we’re still just fucking narcissists. Deep down, at the end of the day, we still think that we’re the best and that other people, well, they just don’t “get it”. Everything that we do is great, and everything that everyone else does is fucking terrible. We have our reasons. And it’s because, quite frankly, everyone else is just morons.

In fact, with this psychological pre-disposition towards self-preservation, it’s a miracle that we manage to get through the day without punching anyone. Ideally, we should probably be locked away in little isolation chambers so we aren’t a danger to anyone. Except, of course, there’s the fact that most of us have to live with roommates and so we have to just well, deal. Except, maybe some of us aren’t dealing all that well. Case in point, most of us seem to have terrible roommate stories. In fact, so many of us have terrible roommate stories that it raises the question: who exactly is the terrible roommate?

Answer: maybe it’s you. I mean, think about it. You always think the way you do things is better. You judge. Even if you aren’t saying anything out loud, you’re constantly critiquing and criticizing everything your roommate does. That time she ate chips in bed? I mean ew, who does that? She’s such a slob. Until, of course, you remember that you just scarfed down eight cookies last week in bed while hungover. But that was because you were hungover. You had a reason. You’re roommate is just a slob. Except that she had just been dumped but like, get it together, girl.

Ugh and that time she like, kept making noises while she wrote her paper? Like, sighing and shit? The occasional hiccup and shifting around in her seat? I mean, how rude. Doesn’t she understand that there’s another person in the room who’s just like, trying to surf Pinterest in peace? And like, can’t she just go to the library or something? God, it’s like she thinks she lives here and has just as much a right to be here, but like, your class schedule is so packed and you just need some time alone uuuuugh.

And then sometimes it seems like all she wants to do is yak your ear off and talk about the dumbest stuff. Like, sorry, no one really cares about sociology. It’s barely even a class. And like, sorry again, but maybe she should spend less time talking and more time writing her papers if she really wants to improve her grades. Just because you see her every day does not mean it’s your job to keep her life on track. I mean, grow up, right?

Any of that sound familiar? If so, you might be the problem roommate. Not a problem person, just problem roommate. Now, now it’s okay. Many problem roommates go on to grow and mature and become the non-problem roommates. All it requires is a little hard work and perseverance.

Or you know, a single room.

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I came for the wine, but I stayed for the complimentary appetizer sampler plate.

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