Miley Cyrus Had a Nervous Breakdown

The Twitter-verse went into a frenzy yesterday, and it wasn’t just because the Spice Girls performed at the closing ceremony of the Olympics. Miley Cyrus, whose demise I predicted and outlined, posted a picture to her Twitter account of her making a stupid face in a bathroom mirror, intended to showcase her new hack job haircut.

Miley, who has been previously known for her long, wavy, and enviable tresses, has apparently done away with her once gorgeous locks and now resembles more of a 12 year old boy/Justin Bieber hybrid and less of a has-been tween sensation.

The change is the second drastic one Cyrus has made since dying her naturally dark brown hair platinum blonde.

Miley, who recently announced her engagement to The Hunger Games star Liam Hemsworth, is apparently in more serious trouble than we all thought. Allegedly, she got blackout drunk on a mix of Stoli Raz and Sugar Free Red Bull (which I highly recommend, it’s delish), ran around the streets, and chopped off her hair using a smashed up Hannah Montana album. Okay I’m lying about that part, but it is confirmed that Miley did chop off all of her hair, and later tweeted, “I feel pretty ohhh so pretty and gayyy.” Of course, the big question is why? What the hell was she thinking? There’s no way she can take wedding pictures like that, much less go out in public with any shred of dignity. I’m pretty sure the paparazzi will get paid NOT to photograph this hideous catastrophe. I’ve pondered long and hard, and I’ve been able to conceive a list of possible reasons:

1. Miley Cyrus is having an identity crisis after realizing her career is trending steeply downward and she’s destined to be a housewife to a popular actor who will probably cheat on her. She’s toying around with her appearance because she’s bored and unsure of herself.
2. Miley Cyrus is actually a lesbian.
3. Liam Hemsworth is actually gay, and Miley is attempting to make herself look more like a man so she can stop being Liam’s beard and become his lover.
4. Nobody told her Anne Hathaway got the part in Les Miserables.
5. She’s super jealous of Liam’s co-star Emma Roberts, which is also why she has been hanging around on the set of Empire State incessantly. Emma has recently lightened her hair, and Miley felt threatened by her new appearance and followed suit. I think somewhere along the line she smoked too much salvia and confused Emma Roberts with Emma Watson, who is currently sporting a pixie cut and getting actual movie roles.
6. She’s going back to her Disney roots, but this time as Peter Pan.
7. She’s one week away from checking into Mount Sinai for “exhaustion,” which we all know means “pill addiction and psychosis”.
8. She’s bored because she’s still months away from making her guest appearance on “Two and a Half Men” (I didn’t know that show was still on) and is trying to keep herself relevant by sparking up some controversy. I personally think she should have just leaked some more naked cell phone pictures, and I NEVER, EVER, condone that.

Whatever the reason may be for destroying her once beautiful, perfectly tousled mane, I totally hate her for it. Couple the new pixie cut with her million and a half stupid tattoos and I think Miley Cyrus is on the fast track to becoming a hipster. Maybe her and Kristen Stewart could hang out?


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