I was recently in the waiting room at the dermatologist’s office for an emergency appointment (I thought I had a pimple, but it was a false alarm, it was a spider bite. Either way, I got a cortisone shot because you can never be too safe in this world), and I started mindlessly flipping through the pages of Cosmopolitan, because Vogue was nowhere to be found. Even though it prides itself in being the leading magazine for “the young career woman,” I actually thought what I was reading was a sick joke. Admittedly, the last time I had read Cosmo, I was 17, and still drinking wine coolers, so, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was absolutely appalled. What worries me the most is that there may be some poor misguided souls in this world who heed the advice of this embarrassing publication. I’ve decided to make a list of the biggest NO’s that this magazine seemingly can’t get enough of. You’re so welcome.
1. Zooey Deschanel Was on the Cover. I hate Zooey Deschanel, which is so annoying because I’m secretly addicted to New Girl. I think her character on the show is hilarious, in a way that ensures I would never be friends with her because she is far too awkward and dresses as if she goes shopping with Taylor Swift. Anyway, I didn’t want to read the article, because her “quirky” attitude makes me want to slap her, but overall, everything about Zooey is a huge NO.
2. There was an entire article called “Why Are Some Women Drawn to Married Men?” An entire article? Are you kidding me? I could sum it up in three words: because they’re sluts. Done.
3. There was an entire page dedicated to sneaker wedges, which were hailed by Cosmo as “an accessory we adore.” No. Nunca. NEIN. There is nothing fashionable, chic, or desirable to be had from this disgusting hybrid that looks as if it was designed by Helen Keller. If you must wear sneakers, do so…don’t try to make them appropriate for pairing with skinny jeans and a going out top.
4. Another page titled “Fun Fearless Fashion” paired a floor length snakeskin print skirt (NO) with a sweatshirt that had a picture of a cat on it. I’m not kidding, and I really pray for whoever thought that was appropriate, because I was offended.
5. Miley Cyrus was commended for her recent hack job. No.
6. There was a dating advice section titled “Land a Man While You Shop.” One suggestion? “[At Whole Foods] while standing in a long checkout line, comment that you could use a drink after all this shopping. Since some Whole Foods stores have bars, suggest you two go there after you’ve paid.” Um…okay, one, I thought the bars were for the bored husbands/boyfriends who got roped into going grocery shopping? Two, what the hell are you supposed to do with your groceries, just let them sit out in the car while you drink carb-loaded, locally brewed draft beer?
7. Another article reported that the average number of guys each girl kisses before finding “Mr. Right” is 22. 22?! To what power?! Who did they survey, girls at BYU?
8. They listed Russel Brand as a “hottie.” Question: What’s hot about him? His hair? His skinny jeans? His flagrant disrespect for America? Answer: none of the above.
9. They wrote a pro-Obama article under the “Need to Know” section. Not only was the article biased, but it only focused on a small fraction of what the campaign issues really are.
10. There was an entire fashion spread dedicated to “harem pants.” If there’s one thing I hate more than sneaker wedges, it’s harem pants, because a) the 80s already happened and b) so did Missy Elliot, so I think they should be banned from society forever.
That being said, I hope that any of you real life Cosmopolitan readers will swiftly cancel your subscriptions and learn the lesson: TSM is the only source of advice, culture, and current events anyone can trust anymore. Kidding, kind of.