Apparently some dad in New Orleans is pretty freaking fed up with his kid getting bullied. So much so, that he’s decided that the only logical step to confront said bullying is to get his kid some muscle. Some black muscle. Because that fixes everything, right? Like, oh, you ripped your stocking? Get some black people on it. Failing chemistry? Get some black people on it. Getting bullied? Get some black people on it. Wait, no, I’m sorry, some cool black people.
Seriously. This dude wants to pay you (if you are both cool and black, obviously) $15 an hour to hang out with his kid. Plus, he’ll even pay for “movies, pizza etc.” Uhhh. Where do I sign up? Kidding. I’m unfortunately both not cool enough and not black enough, either. But if I were, you’d better believe that I would be all over that like white on rice…or, black on rice? I don’t know.
What’s unclear is what these “cool black kids” have to do with the son in question. Do they have to just simply hang out with him? Will having “cool black kid” friends be enough to keep this kid from getting bullied? Or is this dad hiring these “cool black kids” to beat the shit out of the “uncool white bullies?” My words, not his.
Honestly, this is not a question that can go unanswered, so, I channeled my inner 14-year-old black boy and sent this daddy an email.
Saw your ad on Craigslist. Think I could be of service. I’m probably cool enough and definitely black enough to hang out with your son. How old is he? I’m 14. I go to a private Christian school and am more Carlton Banks than Tupac, but I could really use the money. I’m trying to save up for Michael Buble tickets because that dude just gets me. I really love him. When do you think I could start? Maybe tomorrow? Also, what do I have to do? Just hang out with him? I don’t have to beat anybody up, do I? My mom will kill me if I get in another fight. She’s still pretty peeved about that time this one girl in my class, Chrissy, stepped on my new Sperrys on purpose, so I told her she only did that because she could only afford Payless brand Top-siders like some sort of peasant. Then I pulled her hair. So, yeah, I mean, I can be tough, but I don’t like to do it unless I have to. So anyway, let me know. What’s your son’s name? I hope it’s not something stupid like Tanner. I really hate that name.
Yes, I really sent this. And, yes, I will of course let you know if he responds..