My New Year’s Resolution Is To Change Everything About Myself

New Year's Eve

We’ve made it. It’s the beginning of the new year. It’s a time to reflect on our ups and downs throughout the past year, and traditionally, we make resolutions to try to make this year even better than the previous. I’ve never actually made a New Year’s resolution in fear that I would fail. But getting through this year taught me that I can do anything. So this year, I am going to kick it off strong change every aspect of myself.

Lose Weight

I’m tired of living a life of unhealth and not being hit on by every guy that makes eye contact with me. Don’t get me wrong, I want to feel better and look better for myself. But in the interest of my single self, a six pack and lady guns wouldn’t hurt my game. Happy girls are the prettiest, but pretty girls are the happiest. Actually, now that I think about it, fat Jonah Hill was way funnier than skinny Jonah Hill, so maybe I’ll skip this one for the sake of content. You’re all welcome.

Work Harder

Well, I don’t want to work more as much as I want to get more money. I’m not asking for millions, just enough to cover my student loans, buy a sick house with furnishings that look like Good Housekeeping jizzed everywhere, and a new car that does require obscure repairs every few months. Not asking for much.

Think Before I Speak

This has many layers to it. First of all, I would like to make a conscious effort to not sound like an illiterate douchebag with the glottal fry of a chain-smoking Morgan Freeman. As soon as my voice more sufferable, maybe I’ll talk about things that are intelligent and interesting. Like conspiracy theories and something other than what color I want to paint my nails next. I’m thinking a pale metallic pink. I would try to gossip less, but then I wouldn’t have anything to talk about at all. Totally unrealistic. Same with cursing less. That would eliminate 3/4 of my vocabulary.

Be More Ladylike

For too long, I have been trying too hard to infiltrate the male species in hopes to mate with them. I adopted their crass sense of humor and ability to keep up with their antics, but instead of them falling in love with me as planned, they found be to be a great friend. But no more. I am going to start wearing less and going out more, get fake nails that resemble talons, and gab on and on about pop culture (which may counteract my previous resolution). If a guy wanted to date someone who wants to smoke a bowl and talk about fantasy football, he should date another dude, because you bet your sweet ass I’m not doing that.

Be A Supportive Friend

As I start my journey through this full transformation, I don’t want it to be all about myself. I want to push my friends to be better people as well. If they want to eat less junk food, I will eat a whole box of donuts in front of them. If they want to cut back on their drinking, shots are on me. This exposure therapy will improve their resistance to temptation, and in turn will make it easier for them to make a change. How thoughtful of me.

Here’s to the best year ever.

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.

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