This is the inside story of three extraordinary predators, members of one dominant species: the princess, the belle, and the diva. As never before seen, we dive further into the lives and the minds of these beasts who care only for themselves and their young littles as they fly North Face for the winter. Found throughout the United States, terrifying to their enemies, and even more so to their mates, these are the ladici sororiti — girls of prey.
The Princess
The princess, found along the western coast of California, is a semi-docile variety of sororitus. The laid-back nature of the beach bums and grass-lovers of her homeland typically breeds non-aggression, so she is often unaware when she’s wounded her prey. Focused on herself, the princess’s victims are struck dead by her apathy toward them in favor of subjects who are worthy of her time. Vocally fried voices echo throughout the valley as they belong to this dominant species. She neither realizes, nor cares that her “Oh em gee, she’s like poor, so not even” can fatally injure those who oppose her, as she can only view the world as it relates to herself. Believing herself to be a congenial ruler, the princess pays no mind to her prey as she slays them by insensitively allowing the truth, that they are, in fact, unfortunate looking, pass from her lips. She looks over her kill feeling no remorse, blissfully unaware that she was the cause of their demise, then rallies her pride for a shopping spree. This behavior will continue well into the princess’s mid to late twenties, at which time she will have a revelation: I always thought I was so sweet, but I think I might have actually been a bitch.
In attracting her mate, the princess relies solely on femininity. Her wardrobe can only be described as “colorful and fun.” Not to be confused with the bimbo, the princess is categorized by generalized aloofness, accompanied by her mating call, the giggle. Potential mates are captivated by her beauty and what they wrongly interpret as kindness, as she is a relatively tame breed of sororitus. They will soon learn they are trapped in a world of accommodating a beast who constantly thirsts for more. If the princess isn’t given exactly as she wants, she won’t become ferocious. Instead, she pouts, whines, and cries until she is appeased. Her quarry is helpless against this.
The Belle
Donning pearls and sundresses adorned with strange and matronly prints, the most vicious of all the ladicus sororitus is the belle. Many of the other wildlife in the southernmost parts of America, where the belle resides, remain ignorant to her prowess, as the diabolical creature exudes a facade of pleasantry, inherited from her mother or learned during recruitment, which hides her true aptitude for judging. A born predator, once she’s spotted her victims, they are nearly powerless against her. While on the hunt, she first uses passive aggression to weaken the self-esteem of her prey. This can go on for minutes, hours, weeks, or even years, before the belle attacks. Once the belle has annihilated the defenses of her prey, she lets out a distinctive call to make onlookers aware that this is the end: “Bless your heart.” She then makes her final move, indirectly implying or directly proclaiming that her victim isn’t classy, brutally killing most southern species on impact.
Much like her attack strategy, the belle takes a very specific and calculated approach to mating. Marriage is a focus for the belle for most of her life, but the instinct reaches its peak during her college years. It is argued by some sororitologists that this is the driving force of her passive aggressive nature. Though there is a brief hybernation period during the summer months, the belle can be found nesting from late August until mid-May. In an attempt to attract her mate, the gentlemana, the belle hones in on her dexterous baking skills and deft ability to keep a home. If she has done so successfully, the belle will have ceremoniously received “the ring by spring.”
The Diva
While she is the most aggressive breed of ladicus sororitus, the northeastern diva is far less dangerous than the belle to the unsuspecting passerby. She can survive for weeks at a time on nothing but vodka and attention. Unlike the belle, a natural huntress, the diva only attacks when she feels threatened. Her mobbing call, used to ward off predators like skanks who don’t know their places and douchebag boyfriends, is both shrill and terrifying. “Don’t. Do NOT. I’m not even fucking kidding, just don’t.” Immune to terms like “classless” as she just doesn’t give a fuck, most who provoke her will back down before the diva has had a real chance to strike, allowing her to reclaim her rightful spot as the alpha betch. If she is driven to attack, she will throw a horrifying bitch fit, unrivaled by that of any other pedigree, and show her assailant no mercy. Only 2% of the population have ever survived a diva’s bitch fit.
An ostentatious creature, the diva attracts her mate aggressively, through the use of sky-high heels, form-fitting clothing, and sass. Her mating ritual is unlike that of most other breeds of sororitus. She prefers diamonds to pearls, as they are shiny, more expensive, and more likely to hypnotize potential mates, whom she views as subservient. Assholi rex, a beacon of power and masculinity to weaker species, will succumb to the desires of the most skillful diva, who views him mainly as a purveyor of gifts. Once her mate is locked down, she will act out as she pleases — he is forever hers, though she doesn’t view marriage with a sense of urgency. Plastic is more vital to her livelihood than rock, so once she’s got the platinum card, she doesn’t worry about the platinum ring.
The ladici sororiti are as beautiful as they are dangerous, and as charming as they are ferocious. The rest of us are merely living among them, hoping to get out alive.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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