New Consent App Is The Worst Thing To Happen To Sex Since Gonorrhea

Consent App

The newest innovation in consensual sex has finally arrived. We officially have an app to help establish consent. The Good2Go app allows users to stop and make sure that their partner has the mental capacity to consent to sex, and saves records of the event just in case. That’s right–you can now stop, in the middle of foreplay, to sit down and talk with an app about whether or not you should have sex right now.

On one hand, I’m happy we’re taking even more steps to make sure that our partners consent. It’s a great idea to have consent recorded and to make sure that your partner knows he or she is engaging in sex with a consenting adult. On the other hand, buzzkill.

When you open the app, it reveals a screen with the question, “Are we Good2Go?” You have several options. You can choose “No, Thanks,” which brings you to a screen that reminds you that only yes means yes. You can choose “Yes…but we need to talk,” which causes the app to pause so that you and your partner can talk about if this is what you should REALLY do. Or you can choose “I’m Good2Go,” which will bring you to a second screen for more questioning. Yay! Sex is fun!

At this point, the app determines how drunk you are on a scale of “Sober” to “Pretty Wasted.” If you select “Pretty Wasted,” you’re brought to a screen that informs you that you are too drunk and cannot legally consent. This is great, because drunk people never lie about their level of intoxication, and drunk people definitely never say, “It’s fine. I’m not that drunk. Just have sex with me.” So it’s clearly very useful. If, however, you are not “Pretty Wasted” and you have consented to have sex, you must verify that you’re 18 or older and then enter your phone number and a password. After the app has sent a message from this boy’s phone to your phone so that you can verify everything, you can return his device to him and it will tell him that you’re “Intoxicated, but Good2Go,” and you can finally get to business. This is fun, because it totally kills the mood, and it also eliminates the need for any real life communication, which men love.

I experimented with the app just for fun. And research. And sex? After wasting the six minutes it took to navigate through the process, establishing that I was, in fact, sober and Good2Go, I totally canceled on my boyfriend and decided to cuddle and watch Netflix instead. Somehow, playing on his phone was just not the type of foreplay I needed to get me going.

Using the app to establish consent might seem like a good idea in theory, but so was communism. All this does is make sex awkward and kill any and all potential romance. Consent is sexy, but this app? Not so much. It’s easier, less time consuming, and much less awkward to just talk to your partner about consent. If you feel you’re in a position where you NEED to have the consent of every person you sleep with recorded in an app (or fellas, if you’re masochists and would like all your rejections recorded) go for it.

[via Slate]

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ShutUpAndRead is a mass communications major from a small school in South Carolina that you've probably never heard of. She enjoys reading, long walks on the beach, and judging the Twitterverse. When she's not busy watching videos of sloths or babies dancing to pop music, she can be found pretending to be a princess and working diligently on her MRS degree.

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