We all like to get our workout in: running, spin class, kickboxing. But then you start sweating, feeling like your legs are actually made of paper, and that they might give out at any second. Then you get this overall feeling of “Why the hell did I get out of bed to do this?”
AKA, working out fucking sucks.
We find any excuse–I painted my toes yesterday and I think they might still be slightly damp and I don’t want to smudge them. I can’t find two matching socks. I had sex a week ago, so that counts as my cardio.
Ready for the best news of all time?
We actually can get our workout IN. As in, IN our vaginas.
Pretty soon, the whole “I had sex” excuse will actually be valid. Sure, we’ve all done some Googling and learned that making out for, like, 15 hours will burn off enough calories to eat an Oreo. So we tell ourselves that being jack-hammered for five minutes will count as the workout for the, uh, month.
Well, now there is a device that will track just how many calories are burned during sex. It’s called SexFit. And it could change our lives.
It functions as a normal cock ring (which is, for you vanilla sex types, a ring worn at the base of the penis which makes schlongs extra long and hard–not to mention the fact that it vibrates, which does REALLY great things for all parties involved). This gadget is connected via Bluetooth to an app that tracks calories burned, as well as the number of thrusts. It even tells guys how often to thrust and when, and since technology is awesome, it lights up to indicate what setting it’s in and helps the guy know how to pace himself.
Since I know this is hard to grasp, I’ll make it a little clearer: it tells men how to best have sex with us. Please take a moment to share this news with your soon-to-be, much better pleasured vagina.
But it doesn’t stop there. As is pertinent with any workout, the app lets you upload your results to social media platforms. Gone are the days of tracking how many miles you hobbled through with your running apps. Pretty soon, your dirtiest deeds can be uploaded to Facebook for everyone to see just how great your sex life is. If you thought social media PDA was bad, just wait until we get to compare ourselves to the couple who bangs for an hour, three times a day. (Disclaimer: I’m pretty sure that’s physically impossible.)
This little piece of magic is going into testing by the end of the year, so get your panties ready, ladies. Only a few months until better workouts, better sex, and your grandma being able to “like” the fact that your sort of boyfriend plowed you for three hours last night. Finally.