There are about three things in this life that I really, really fucking hate:
1. Kim Kardashian.
2. People who breathe on my neck when reading over my shoulder.
3. Waking up to an alarm clock.
The ringing. The chinging. The blaring. The beeping. The pure disrespect that the alarm clock has for me and my feelings. On one hand, I get it. It’s just doing its job, and in all fairness, I asked it to wake me up. But on the other hand, does it have to make me feel violated as it blares in my ear, telling me that I have to go about another day of inequality?
No. The answer is no.
We’ve had enough. Enough of the groggy hate toward the object that doesn’t give a fuck about our REM sleep. Enough of the whiny, aggressive tones at an ungodly hour. Enough of waking up feeling like shit instead of feeling orgasmic.
Move over, crappy alarm clock, because there’s a new wakeup call in town and it really, really cares about our feelings. All types of feelings.
It’s called the Wake-Up Vibe, and yes, it does exactly what your pervy mind hopes it does. This is the alarm clock of all alarm clocks, and basically it wakes you up by getting you off. Finally, all of our wet dreams are coming true.
Sold online, this little piece of heaven is super thin and designed to fit comfortably in your underwear while visions of hot men dance in your head. All you do is set the time that you want to wake up, pick one of the six vibrator settings, and get ready to be the happiest person in the world every morning.
At first, I was skeptical, because the idea of getting off while I’m partially asleep seemed kind of violating. But the more I thought about it, the more I warmed up to the idea. Imagine a world of looking forward to your alarm waking you up slowly, so slowly…oh God…just like that. You get to have that “just came, thanks to my alarm clock” vibe that people can’t seem to get enough of.
The Wake-Up Vibe comes in three sexual colors: pink (for the fun, flirty girl), purple (for the romantic, sensual girl), and black (for the kinky sex-goddess girl). The magical little alarm clock costs the hilarious price of $69 and ensures us morning after morning of pleasure-filled wake-ups.
Instead of erotic novels based loosely off of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” there’s something else at the top of all of our dirty Christmas lists. Waking up naughty never felt so–oh my God, yes–good. .
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