Much like many a romp in the bedroom after too many alcohols, New Year’s Eve is always an overhyped event. Whoever had the idea to say “Let’s try and make this night BETTER and MORE OF A BIG DEAL than ALL of the other nights of this past year” probably never had a great year.
As for most of us, we’ve spent too much time around family and hometown friends. We can’t wait to get back to our comfort zone, throw back some inhibitions and party like Ke$ha would in her prime. The night will include dapper-dressed men, music, drinks, and A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT. Shopping for a dress that is itchy, glittery and overpriced should’ve been a red flag.
Here are a few options for how to spend this night that probably end with you crying into your champagne:
Loud Dance Club
This super-douchy dance club is most certainly not a place you would spend any other night of the year. So it makes total sense to spend the culmination of your year here, right? Wrong. And it makes sense to wait in a line for two hours on a Wednesday Morning in October for tickets, right? Wrong again. Irresponsible on your part, because you’ll end up saying “WHAT?” “Can’t hear you!” to your friends all night, as some sweaty Affliction promo man dances up on you. If you’re dumb enough to have a boyfriend, you won’t see him the whole time. He’s trying to muscle through a crowd of muscle tee’s to buy you a drink, but you think he left without you. Time to cry in the overcrowded bathroom and ring in 2014 with a random girl in the exact same situation as you. Pack your shit up and go home.
Date Night
I just LOL’d typing that. Here’s how this is going down. Expensive dinner at a restaurant with a limited menu for the night. A few drinks, since there’s no one else to talk to. Cab right home. Watch the ball drop as your boyfriend tries not to fall asleep. Listen with jealousy to all of the noise and fun happening outside your monogamous apartment. Vanilla sex, and he’s snoring by 12:35. At least turn down the brightness on your phone while you text your drunk bestie who just made out with “Adamnghhg”. If this night was a font, it would be Times New Roman.
House Party
If you’re still in your hometown for NYE, sucks to suck. You rang in about 18 new years with these people, time for some new blood. Someone probably suggested a pregame at their house and it spun into a party. At least you don’t need tickets, but the downside here is that you’ll wish you ‘d joined the girls who said, “we’re going to a bar, fuck this”. Checking social media on a dirty couch is setting you up for a sub-par year.
Formal Event
Overpriced and overdone, this formal event requires you to scramble for a dress that is the perfect combination of sexy and classy. Your date has to dig out his tux from three years ago and pretend that it still fits. You can’t get too drunk because of the alumni surrounding you and don’t even THINK about dancing on any elevated surfaces. Hopefully your date is high quality enough to sneak a bottle of vodka for you to share. Bottoms up, you get to ring in the New Year with an actual champagne toast. Out of a glass. Not chugging a whole bottle by yourself. (See: House Party) This event, by the way, does not guarantee that you will have a classy, expensive 2014. It’ll probably be the exact opposite.
Vacation
Anyone who is on a beach, at a ski lodge, or anywhere that is not home is doing it right. New people, new setting, definitely some lofty expectations. Have fun getting inappropriately drunk with your siblings and cyber-stalking your crush’s evening. At least if you make a sloppy choice for a midnight kiss, it doesn’t have to follow you home. Facebook request? Denied. Not a bad night, because you can mooch off your parents bar tab all night AND use your dad as a wingman.
No matter how you choose to ring in this year, it’ll be a big let down. I hope that it isn’t, but it will be. So, pregame with a whole bottle of pink champagne that costs less than five dollars. Then, sit back and talk shit about everyone pretending to have a better time than you on social media, but don’t be fooled. They are just as miserable as you.
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BlingleWhiteFemale
BlingleWhiteFemale (@BlingleWhiteFem) is a single blonde female who spends her days campaigning for First Lady. She is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move.
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