New Year’s Resolutions

I have mixed feelings about New Year’s Eve. It’s usually overrated. Like, people build it up to be this big thing, and it’s never really all we expect it to be. I mean, we spend a ton of money on fancy hotels, upscale bars, and sparkly dresses, only to end the night the same way we always do: making various bad decisions, crying into a pizza, and not remembering a damn thing. And then there’s the whole midnight kiss thing. If you don’t have a boyfriend it becomes a witch-hunt to find the hottest guy at the bar by midnight and MO his face off, and it’s kind of sad that you ring in the New Year with this sexy mystery man even though you’ll probably never see or talk to him again. If this mission proves unsuccessful, who do you lock lips with? A platonic guy friend who probably wants to fuck you? Your female roommate? Your glass of champagne? I’ll probably opt for the latter. At least I know alcohol and I have a strong and loving relationship that will last all year.

Perhaps the worst things about the New Year are those terrible resolutions we all make. Everyone’s first goal is to be alive come January 1 of 2012, but beyond that does anyone really stick to their resolution for a whole year, or like, forever? Being beautiful, perfect sorority women, there’s really not much room for improvement, and yet we insist on setting lofty goals for ourselves. Here are some of the most common, impossible, and ironic New Year’s Resolutions:

Go On a Diet

Please…our whole life is a diet. Having a better body, for most of us, is as silly a resolution as “be prettier” or “be more perfect,” because it’s impossible. Addy and Natty are NOT a suggested weight-loss plan, although it seems to work for us. Bottom line: our lifestyle provides an easy out. Study drugs and low-cal drinks (wine and vodka-sodas) are part of our everyday, the gym fits easily into our schedule, and sex burns a lot of calories. Not to mention we basically only consume carbs when it’s by accident during a blackout. When a sorority girl claims she’s going on a diet, it’s to fish for compliments from her friends or boyfriend. Ignore her.

Stop Talking to the Ex

This one’s even more hilarious. Having the intention of cutting off contact with the ex is not unique to New Years, as it happens many times during the breakup cycle. Once immediately after the split, then when you accidentally sleep together again, and again when he gets a new girlfriend, etc. It literally never lasts. For example, last year I broke up with my lying, cheating fratdaddy in early October, and then hooked up with him again in November, after which I swore off of him (for good!). I was successful…until we got back together mid-January. Short of a cross-country move or him becoming a paraplegic (and even then…), you are probably going to talk to your ex again.

Drink Less

HA! I almost don’t want to touch this one. You probably made plans for this resolution after a particularly nasty hangover, but as always, you’ll get over it. You live in the middle of a fantasy world full of endless bars, boys, and frat parties. It’s standard to drink for literally any reason. You passed a test, you failed a test, it’s your birthday, it’s not your birthday, you’re tired, it’s Tuesday, etc. If any of you are thinking this is a reasonable goal because you’re graduating in 2012, you’re wrong. You’ll probably drink more, although drinking becomes less of a fun game and more of a mechanism to maintain your sanity, because real life sucks. Not to mention that reuniting with college friends post-grad means obligatory benders unlike anything you experienced during those four years in school.

Spend Less Money

Your daddy and I are both laughing at you right now.

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