THIS IS A FUCKING OUTRAGE.
Carey Peters, a “Health Coach” (whatever the hell that means) made some shocking news public today: Diet Coke is not, in fact, good for you, and can actually cause you to GAIN weight.
I’m actually glaring at the half empty aluminum can next to me in disbelief. How the hell is this possible? Have all of these years of consuming the glorious, caffeinated, calorie-free beverage been for nothing?! Have sorority bitches everywhere been led astray by the Coca-Cola company? IS ANYTHING REAL ANYMORE?!
According to Peters, who admits to be a recovering Diet Coke addict, everyone’s favorite soda may have zero calories, but it comes with as many problems as the oldest daughter of divorced parents. Aside from the whole “aspartame” ingredient that has been linked to cancer (whatever, TSTC), the caffeine in Diet Coke messes with your body’s production of cortisol, which is the hormone that tells your body “fat is evil.” I’m no scientist, but essentially, too much caffeine makes you gain weight.
Also, the chemicals in Diet Coke are linked to mood swings and blood sugar swings, which in turn, trigger these things called “food binges.” To make matters worse, Diet Coke lowers your body’s magnesium levels, which can lead to chocolate cravings. I’m not kidding. There is a correlation between Diet Coke and chocolate cravings.
Bottom line, Diet Coke can’t help you lose weight, it can actually be the reason you’re gaining it, according to this bitch, who has helped the self-esteem of girls everywhere plummet. I don’t drink Diet Coke to lose weight, I drink it because it’s fucking delicious, and it has zero calories. Also, maybe I just have incredible willpower, but I’ve gone on Diet Coke binges that didn’t involve a food binge multiple times. It’s called finals week, duh. Everyone knows that Diet Coke only becomes an effective weight loss tool when utilized as one third of the holy trinity of appetite suppressants: caffeine, nicotine, and ADD medication.
Image via Yahoo