I don’t know what the hell goes on in Youngstown, Ohio, but I can confidently say that it is not a place I ever hope to visit.
A recent news report is circling the internet, due to a very strange claim made by a woman who resembles what I imagine Honey Boo Boo will look like in about thirty years. Heather Tenney woke up in the middle of the night to find her house ablaze. She rushed outside after grabbing her husband and two dogs, and watched from her front lawn as all her valuable possessions garage sale keepsakes burned to the ground. Pretty tragic event.
What caught most of our attention is what she told a news reporter when asked how the fire might have started.
Let’s break this down.
“When I open up the door, I see just blazing from the garage.”
Probably just your sketchy-looking husband smoking some ganj.
“I had him go back in the house to get our two dogs that we had in there.”
How brave of you.
“It was cause of my cousin. He is mad because he can’t get with me. I am married to my husband.”
At least she’s loyal, right?
“It’s a long story. Just make it short. He already put him in the hospital once, last month. He figured he was gonna do something else.”
Dude needs a hobby.
I think the lingering question we all have is, how the hell did that reporter manage to keep a straight face the entire time? I get that a house fire is hard hitting news in a small town, but this whole situation is straight up hilarious. I feel bad for the couple for losing all their belongings, but the fact that everything happened because a vengeful hick had a crush on his cousin really gives the whole scenario a whole different tone. Is Ohio in the middle of a population crisis that I don’t know about?
Best of luck to the uninsured couple as they try to get their lives in order. I really hope that cousin Billy, or whatever the hell his name is, finds someone to love. Preferably outside of his bloodline. .
[via WKBN 27]
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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