Word on the mean streets of Sorority Row is that Nike is discontinuing Norts, the official uniform of college life. Start stockpiling a pair in every single color combination now or else you might have to regress to the hideous world of Soffe shorts, throwing back to your cheerleader days. If Juicy sweatsuits hadn’t been discontinued, you could turn to them, but it seems like all the good trends are over forever–including Nike shorts.
Sorority girls everywhere will be left naked if Nike shorts abandon us in our time of need. It would be like the end of wine, or Starbucks, or DFMOs. It would put a major damper on our lives and choices. Currently, the Nike website only has one pair for sale, compared to the hundreds of colors it used to carry. Say goodbye to a rainbow of variety when it comes to choosing an outfit that lets you feel comfortable but look cute–all that’s left is a single Nort.
The Nike site has one style in stock, with three beyond basic colors. I guess beggars can’t be choosers, but I choose to believe that Nike will realize this is a terrible mistake. While the company may think its fan base is made up of actual athletes, it’s really made up of sorority girls who want people to think they’re going to the gym, when the truth is that they’re too hungover to reach for a human outfit.
As someone whose wardrobe is 50 percent dedicated to Norts, I’m thinking of holding a memorial service in their honor. Maybe I’ll even write a eulogy. While it’s still just a rumor right now, the limited number of Norts on the site is highly suspicious. If there’s one thing sorority girls love (other than Norts, obviously) it’s service, so I suggest putting together a letter writing campaign to let the company know that if it discontinues our favorite bottom (I mean, it’s as comfortable as not wearing pants at all) Nike can’t sit with us.