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Illogical Condom Logic

Be it from our dikey high school health teacher, “the cool mom,” or our gynos, we’ve all heard it before…always use protection. We know the consequences of not doing so. We’ve been forced to stare at PowerPoint presentations of blisters and sores, and we never quite recovered from watching “the birth” in the 10th grade. Enough of your friends have contracted the human papilloma virus that you’re willing to name it an honorary sister, and pre-chapter trips to student health to get Plan B are becoming a Sunday ritual. We all know that we should always use condoms, yet when you steal 16 of them from student health, the general response from sisters is “what are you going to do with those?” I’m sure they’re just kidding with you, although in the following situations you have been known to forego the love glove. Oops.

He’s your actual boyfriend.

If you’ve convinced some poor guy that it will be fun for him to buy you presents all all the time, stay in for quiet nights to watch Dirty Dancing, and limit his alcohol intake because you think it’s embarrassing and not funny to be known as “Blackout Blake,” and you STILL make him wear condoms…you’re a bitch. Nothing’s going to happen. If you manage to get pregnant while you’re on the pill then you’re an idiot, and if you manage to catch something while you have a boyfriend, you picked a shitty boyfriend.

You really like him.

It’s no secret that guys hate the c-bombs even more than we do. So, by some fucked up girl logic, you’ve convinced yourself that condom-less sex is the way to his heart. I’m no expert on the matter, but I’m pretty sure the message that sends is “I’m a slut” rather than “I’d make a good girlfriend.” Whatever. He may not like you, but at least he’ll like having sex with you.

You’re too drunk.

There may have been protection involved. There may not have. It’s impossible to know, and at the time it was impossible to care. Chances are if he’s double-checking that you’re on birth control and asks you to let him know when Aunt Flo comes to town, it’s not just because he’s concerned about your menses. He probably remembers something, or a lack of something that you don’t.

You’re too sober.

He initiates operation peen in vagine and you can’t help but notice he didn’t reach for a rubber. You’re only mildly confrontational when drunk and you’re even less confrontational sober. Do you say something? Eh. This is awkward enough without trying to make conversation. Besides, you’re sober so you’ll notice just how much of a difference the happy hat makes. Maybe next time.

He’s too drunk.

You tried to be a good girl, you really did. But it turns out he’s had about eight too many beers and his flag just won’t fly if he has to wear a battle helmet. The only way to take your evening from “Mission Impossible” to “Mission Intercourse” is to lose the double agent and commence SEAL team sex.

You already didn’t use one with him.

If you’ve raw-dogged it with him even ONCE, good luck trying to convince him to regress to condom use. You’ve already shown him that under one circumstance or another you’re willing to go without, and even though he can’t seem to remember your birthday, eye color, or middle name, that’s one thing he’ll never forget.

You just don’t have one.

Hmmm…you could dry hump until he starts chafing, but then you remember this isn’t the 8th grade. You could lie in each other’s arms whispering “if only” until you fall asleep. Or you could make the two-backed beast the way Mother Nature intended. Decisions, decisions.

I’m here to tell you, these illogical thought processes are NORMAL. Maybe. Rules are made to be broken, am I right? At least you tried! I’m a firm believer that when it comes to willie warmers, it’s the thought that counts. Besides, he promised to pull out, so you should be fine.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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