According to the incredibly esteemed rabbi Shmuley Boteach–a very famous Orthodox Jewish rabbi, author, and father of nine–he has claimed that in Jewish law, “a man has to make his wife orgasm before he does.”
Boteach, who was named one of Newsweek magazine’s 50 most influential rabbis three years in a row (Seriously, I had no idea they ranked rabbis, who knew such a thing?), attempted to dispel the frigid, uptight nature of Orthodox Jews: “It’s absolutely not true. Among us religious Jews, sex is a big deal. It’s a religious obligation. In Jewish law, a man has to make his wife orgasm before he does.” No shit. It’s in the Talmud, which is a book of Jewish mysticism and teachings from which rabbis read. Go check it out. I’ll wait.
Oh wait, you can’t read ancient Hebrew? Me neither.
Boteach, the author of the 1999 hit book “Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy” also goes on to say that when it comes to Judaism and sex, nothing is off limits. Positions? “All positions are great. You can do circus acrobatics. But nothing can supplant the intimacy of the missionary position. Jewish law says there has to be full-body contact. Sex is supposed to be ‘bone of one bone, flesh of one flesh.’ ”
Fetishes? “Why not? Anything that makes you more hooked is permitted. Oral sex is fine. Anal? Yeah, why not? She wants S&M? Sure. What’s wrong with S&M? There’s nothing un-kosher about it. Sex toys are great. What’s wrong with sex toys? Anything that increases the passion of husband and wife, great. Have sex in middle of a golf course.”
Now I’m picturing a Jewish sex dungeon, and I’m frightened. Instead of bondage crosses, are we supposed to use bondage Stars of David? I don’t think I should ask my rabbi this question next week at Shmini Atzerets services.
He also went on to say that men should focus on more than just a woman’s boobies and booty. (“In Orthodox Jewish circles, you have others, like the woman’s hair [usually covered]. Hair is one of the sexiest things around.”) He also believes all men should appreciate their wives more and instead of committing infidelity, “have an affair with your wife. I want men to fantasize about their wives. And if they fantasize about their wives with other men to give them the variety they need, big deal. You don’t have to have a sanitary marriage. We tend to make the single years into the wild years. Marriage should be about swinging from the chandeliers.”
So, ladies of the world, I think someone owes us Hebrews a “thank you.” Also, I just made some potato pancakes. Who wants some latkes?.
[via New York Magazine]
Image via Mel Evans/Corbis