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Painting Fraternity Coolers Is The Devil’s Work And We Should STOP FUCKING DOING IT

Coolers

With the colder weather coming, the leaves changing colors, and stores bypassing Halloween to put out Christmas decorations, one thing is clear: the holidays are coming. With them, a very special time in Greek communities across the nation comes. While visions of sugar plums will dance in some people’s heads, for the members of fraternities and sororities, a different vision will start to itch its way out. That’s right, it’s formal season.

Chapters have already started announcing their destinations. Whether they’re headed to New Orleans to drink on the streets for a weekend of blacked out bliss or to a beach town where the sun is hot and we’re, well, hotter, we’ve got our eyes on the prize: being asked to a fraternity formal. It’s like drunk heaven on Earth with one small price to pay (well, two, but remember that consent is key, no means no, and he won’t die from blue balls). You need to make a cooler.

Painting a cooler for a fraternity formal is one of those unfortunate fads that caught on, among the ranks of things like “thin is in” or jelly bands. Now, I’m all for doing something nice for the guys. They shell out more than $100 to take us away for a weekend and show us a good, alcohol-filled time, but my problem is this: isn’t that why we hook up with them later? I mean, they aren’t spending all of this money to hang out and talk about feelings with us. They expect to get some. Whether you decide to go for a roll in the hay with them or not is your own decision (and you should NOT feel obligated) but they took a gamble when they picked you. They bet on you. And it doesn’t mean they’ll get the prize, but…that is the prize. So why with the cooler, too? And if we simply must supplement our bodies with something, couldn’t we just bake them a pie? Whoever the fuck decided that painting a cooler is the required gift was actually insane. It’s not just the fact that they are extremely, extensively, horribly time-consuming and frustrating, and it’s not just that they require the artistic skills of Jack fucking Dawson. The fact of the matter is that it’s completely one-sided. Because, uh, excuse me if I’m wrong, but where’s my damn cooler?

We, as Panhellenic women, have formals, too. We shell out $50, $60, even $70 to bring a drunk, slobbering guy to our event (after asking him to attend in a devastatingly adorable way) and afterward, he still expects to get laid. Oh, and he manages to pull it off without having to sand, prime, sketch, trace, base, paint, clean, seal, and fill a cooler for us.

You see, it’s not that I want a guy to craft for me. At all. I just feel we should be appreciated, too. Here we are working our asses off to create a work of art for these guys, and then two months later, the cooler is completely destroyed because they didn’t understand that you can’t throw it around and leave it in the rain for 60 consecutive days.

What it all comes down to is that the last time I checked, this wasn’t the 1950s. We shouldn’t be expected to smile and slave away for a guy and then later have sex with him just because he asked us to an event. And, if we decide that this should be the way of it, then the gesture should be reciprocated when we invite guys to our formals, maybe with a necklace from Tiffany’s or an Alex and Ani–but come on, guys…

You should at least give us oral.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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