For college students, English is a hard subject. No, wait. Let me rephrase: Your balding, middle-aged, probably sexually frustrated English teacher is a dick, and he makes it damn near impossible for you to score a decent essay grade even though you’ve been speaking English since you were still shitting your pants. Yeah, that’s way more accurate.
Though I have zero sympathy for morons who still don’t know the difference between “their,” “they’re,” and “there,” I definitely resonate with those who struggle with college-level essays. Teachers look for any and every excuse to dock a few points, and subsequently they destroy your dreams of making it through college with a decent GPA and a minimal number of panic attacks. This is why most of us trade in our dignity and opt to use peer editors who will fix overlooked errors in our work. They make us feel like total fucking idiots, but that’s a price we’re willing to pay.
In the most badass flyer to ever grace Reddit, a peer editor named Caroline took a comedic approach to gain student clients. Her hilarious description is even more enticing than the included photo, starring a cat that appears to have recently indulged in a hefty amount of hallucinogens.
“Did your high school’s English department suck balls, leaving you unprepared to fend for yourself in college? Or do you just suck at English to begin with? Good news! I kick ass at English, and, that aside, my high school was basically a football team with an English department! Bring me a triple-spaced rough draft of your shitty paper and some cash money/PayPal at the ready, and we can sit down together (ideally within earshot of a printer) while I hemorrhage ink all over whatever crap you brought me to fix. Occasionally I’ll turn to you and be like, “Dude, you just made a statement without backing it up. Back up all the bullshit you spew. Isn’t this supposed to be a persuasive essay? Persuade me, dammit. With actual fucking facts.” Or, “Ok, so, this right here? That’s like saying ‘the ball was thrown by the people’ instead of ‘the people threw the ball,’ Do you understand how stupid that sounds?”
I’ll charge you $15 an hour for the time I could’ve better spent sitting on my ass doing nothing instead of bleeding all over your awful fucking paper in the ink color of your choice. Additionally, I will not be able to save your bitch ass on Wednesdays. My big girl physics homework is due at 8 in the goddamn morning on Thursdays, so I won’t have time for your garbage. The same goes for any time past 9 pm because that’s when my ear meds wear off. (I am also not this mean in real life, given that you are not an insufferable douchebag. And yes, that is a real picture of my cat and me.)”
After reading Caroline’s flyer, I am certain of a few things. First, I would like to be her friend. Second, she actually knows her shit, because I spent about 20 minutes trying to find a grammatical error that I could use to make fun of her. And third, if every sorority girl who reads this flyer does not feel an abnormally strong urge to personally hand this bitch a bid, I officially know nothing about the Greek system..
[via imgur]
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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