I LOVE recruitment. If I wasn’t too busy getting reckless all the time, I would have definitely put run-for-recruitment-chair on my to-do list…I’m certainly bitchy enough, and despite my night-time endeavors, the PNMs…they love me. Unfortunately…we don’t always love them. These are some of the worst PNMs that you WILL encounter during the early rounds of recruitment.
The Girl Who Doesn’t Want to Be There
Maybe she’s a legacy to another chapter, maybe she and one of your sisters shared one too many men, or maybe her floormates convinced her to rush and she’s an undercover GDI who will never be bid anywhere… Who knows? But for some reason, this girl is not interested and she’s making it painfully obvious. She’s folding her arms, checking her watch, and she even SAID “I think sororities are stupid.” I know it’s tempting to scream out “WELL WE THINK YOU’RE STUPID!!!” but instead, ignore her childish behavior and just spin everything into a positive. “Well it’s not for everyone, but I think it’s great you’re giving recruitment a shot. A lot of girls feel unsure about it, but then they absolutely fall in love with a sisterhood. Everything works itself out in the end.” Translation: You ignorant bitch. I’m reporting you to the head of recruitment. No bid here, no bid anywhere else. How does rejection taste?
The Girl Who REALLY Wants to Be There
She’s SUPER excited and won’t stop telling you so. I get that rush gives you a rush, but simmer down, sweetie. She loves recruitment (and who loves recruitment as a PNM? No one. Red Flag.) and particularly, she loves your sorority. Your mascot is her FAVORITE animal, she thinks your philanthropy is neat-o, and she even ventured to say something absolutely ridiculous like “I’d be so proud to wear your letters.” Eek! It’s ok for you to feel that way about your house but you’re like…in it. It’s weird for her. The good thing about her is she’s easy to deal with. All she wants to talk about is how awesome your sorority is? Great. You can do that until the end of time.
The Frat-Rat
This is the bad thing about going to a school that does Spring Recruitment instead of Fall. The girls already know a lot about Greek Life. It’s fine that they already know that your sorority is the place to be, but what’s shitty is they already know all about the fraternities and they think they’re going to impress you with it. “Oh em geeee, I hang out at ___ ALL the time. Do you know Kyle?” Kyle the Pedophile? Yes, I know him. You weren’t the first freshman he fucked and chucked, and you won’t be the last. I don’t think you’re cool for whoring yourself out to a fraternity in an attempt to make some sort of name for yourself. The frat-rat is DOA. How to deal? As if you’re on auto-pilot: “I have friends in every chapter on campus. We’re a really tight-knit Greek Community…In fact the all-Greek whatever is coming up. Here’s what our sorority did to prepare….” Back to you. Donezo.
The Legacy
They tell you to treat her like any other PNM but is that really possible? Every chapter has different legacy policies, but if yours is anything like mine, there is a VERY high chance that in two weeks this girl is going to be running onto your lawn. If she’s a little chubby, that can be fixed. If she’s a little awkward, she never has to open her mouth. You might be having heart palpitations over sharing a sisterhood with this girl, but while you’re talking to her just look for the best because there’s really probably nothing you can do about it. Your house has survived legacies before, and you can do it again.
The Weird Girl
I’m not really sure why this girl thinks she belongs in a sorority. She likes Star Wars more than Mean Girls, her favorite hobby is bird-watching, and she’s mouth-breathing through her retainer. The only solution is to feign interest in everything she says…she wants to talk about her unicorn obsession? Well, you had horses growing up, and you like glitter…so you can totally relate. She wants to talk to you about how she wore a back brace every day to school up until the 10th grade? Well, you had braces…like on your teeth…in middle school, so I guess that’s kind of the same thing. You make it work, and then you laugh about it uncontrollably at the end of the round.
The Dud
This bad PNM is the worst offender. She JUST. WON’T. TALK. I understand she’s feeling shy and nervous…after all, you’re really pretty, so that can be a little intimidating. But say SOMETHING. You asked her a million questions and she responded with one word. “Did you play any sports in high school?” “Softball.” Really? That’s all she’s going to give you? Luckily, all you have to do is talk about yourself and your sorority (your favorite). You won’t have a hard time monopolizing the conversation. “Oh, you played softball? My little played softball! In fact, she started our chapter’s intramural softball team. They did really well and came in second place. I didn’t play but a ton of other sisters and I went to all the games to support our girls. Personally, in high school I was a dancer and was really active in all the sorority dance competitions…” Easy peasy. Before you know it, your big is bumping to you, and you’re on to the next one.
The Chameleon
She seems pretty awesome, she likes all the same things you like…it’s like your twins. Until you talk to your roommate about her. You and your roomie are besties, but you’re complete opposites. Like peanut-butter-and-jelly opposites, so you work. Turns out, this girl is BOTH a no-drama, bro-ey, athletic math whiz, AND a super girly, slightly crazy, indoorsy psychology major diva. Hmmm…Odd. Or, she’s just constantly changing herself to fit in. Do they think we don’t talk? A clever rouse, chameleon, but we’re onto you. Fake isn’t cute. No bid.
The Girl Who asks Inappropriate Questions
Hello. Booze, boys, and brands. It’s laid out pretty clearly what you shouldn’t talk about, yet this girl KEEPS asking questions. Not only does she want to know how much you drink (more than you, honey…trust me) but she wants to smack-talk other sororities in your presence. Listen, I’m glad you like my house, but that’s really just not nice. It’s only ok to hate on people together if you’re friends. Saying someone is ugly doesn’t make you any prettier. In these situations I like to subtley let her know that I think she’s being a douchebag. “Well, of course the sisters who are of age like to drink together sometimes but that really isn’t what this sisterhood is about” or “The girls I’ve met in that house are lovely, as are the girls in every house. Personally, I don’t like to generalize or speak badly about people I don’t know.” So what I’m lying through my teeth? It’s inappropriate, and if she’s talking like this as a PNM who KNOWS what shit she’ll say as a sister. See ya never.
The Really Awesome Ugly Girl
This breaks my heart. She’s really cool. Your conversations aren’t even about sororities or recruitment, or stupid shit like what you did in high school, they’re just about life. She’s one of those few special PNMs that you don’t feel like you’re being fake around…one of the few lucky girls who would really fit in. You seriously could talk to her forever. But the problem is…like…look at her. She makes it pretty far in recruitment because she’s just so cool…but the bottom line is, no one can see cool. You don’t want her wearing your letters. It sucks. You WILL feel guilty about the bad scores you gave her for the remainder of the round, the remainder of recruitment, and quite possibly the remainder of the year. I still feel like shit when I remember Ashley-whatever-the-fuck with the frizzy red hair and apparent thyroid condition, but unfortunately, that’s how it works. This is the ONLY girl you should ever feel guilty about dropping but if you didn’t score her poorly, maybe no one would have. Someone’s gotta be the bitch and put her on the Woof List.
I know this seems really, negative, and that’s because it was…but after you weed out all the bad eggs, you will find the girls you absolutely adore. You will fall in mutual love, bid them, and live happily ever after making recruitment 100% worth it.
Nice Move341
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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