You’re never late. You’re never EVER late. How did this happen? You are so dumb. You are beyond dumb, and you are sooooo pregnant. Why the fuck did you think it was ok to not use protection. How how howwwww did this happen? You didn’t miss your birth control once! Well, maybe once. It’s actually very possible that there was at least one time when your alarm went off and you snoozed it and forgot, but that was just one time…probably. You can’t get pregnant from missing one day of birth control. Can you? Feel free to make your roommate look that up as you continue pacing and contemplating which method of suicide can most easily be passed off as an accident. OMG, shit, you know what happened? You took an antibiotic, and totally forgot that it wipes out your birth control. Shit, shit, shit, shit, you are SOOO pregnant. Fuck. You think back to that morning and recall that you thought about taking Plan B too, but nooooooo. You didn’t want your period to come early. You just had to be a gambling man…woman…idiot. Either way, joke’s on you because you’d give anything to have your fucking period now. Your life is over. What are you going to tell your parents? Your father is going to keel over and die. HE THINKS YOU’RE A VIRGIN! There’s really no reason he should still be convinced of that anyway. Pretty sure he should have been suspicious when you and your high school boyfriend would jump to opposite ends of the couch when he came into the basement, without ever abandoning the shelter and protection provided by the comforters that are down there. Well the cat is out of the fucking bag now. Maybe you could pass this off as an immaculate conception. Those immaculate conceptions get you every damned time. Am I right?
And how are you going to tell the guy!!!! He’s not even your real boyfriend. He’s going to think you baby-raped him. You really don’t want to be that girl. The one that gets accused of baby-rape…or the one that’s pregnant, for that matter. And suddenly you realize it. You’re not going to be able to drink for nine months! NINE MONTHS!!! PROBABLY LONGER! Shit. Who thinks that? Sweetie, if that thought crosses your mind, and it did, that’s a telltale sign that you are NOT ready for motherhood. Wait, you’ve been drinking since that night. You quickly wonder if there is such thing as Plan C…drink until you’re no longer pregnant? I don’t think that’s actually valid. I think you just made that up right now. Your fratdaddy is going to have to marry you. There’s no way you’re having a child out of wedlock. If you have a shot in hell of getting into heaven, bringing a bastard child into the world is probably going to ruin it. He’s just going to have to get over his “commitment issues.” You know, I bet he doesn’t even have commitment issues. I bet he just says that so he doesn’t have to be your boyfriend. He’s not a bad candidate for a husband. Good looking and tall, so that’s good. His father does something important. He told you once but you were too busy caring about anything else at the time, like how shiny your hair is. You’ve been ranting for the recommended 3-5 minutes, and it’s time. One line. What does one line mean? One line…not pregnant…one line…YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT! Congrats, girl! Now, go have a whole bottle of skinny girl margarita. You deserve it.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
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