After having attended my first of many Alumni Weekends, I was reminded of an experience that I haven’t had in years. What it’s like to be a freshman. In my head, if you’re a freshman, I hate you…unless of course you’re going through Recruitment, then I still might hate you, but the difference is, I want you to absolutely adore me and think I’m the coolest person alive. Which most freshmen girls do. Because I am. For some reason, I convinced myself that being a freshman sucked, but I was reminded that there are definitely some perks to the whole experience. As many of our readers are sneaky bitches and are actually in high school, and the rest of you have all experienced the infamous “Freshman Year” I decided to compile the list of Pros and Cons of being a freshman girl.
Pro: You’re the Youngest, Thinnest, and Prettiest.
Last time I was at school, I was the oldest person there. Duh. That’s normally how it works unless you’re an I-graduated-in-three-years nerd or one of those fetuses born in like late October and didn’t turn 21 until senior year. This time, however, my friends and I were the youngest people around, and I felt like a freshman all over again. And let me say…it was AWESOME. There was not a single guy who I was like “ughh…but he’s younger than I am” and EVERY guy there finds you even hotter than boys your own age do because they’ve grown accustomed to the cellulite and floppy vaginas of their peers. It occurred to me, that this must be exactly how freshmen girls feel. No matter how hot the upperclassmen are, they’ve still got four years on us…under us? They’re younger. And if you don’t gain even a little bit of weight senior year, you’re either a metabolic mutant, or you’re not drinking enough. Simple as that. Freshmen girls haven’t done that yet. They are appealing to every guy, in every class because of their naivety, youth, and the fact that they haven’t had four years under their belts to burn them out a little…which means they get a whole boatload of attention, and all the older girls hate them. Girl hate feels strikingly similar to jealousy, I might even venture to say they are synonymous…and when you’re the recipient of it…it’s a good feeling.
Con: You’re the Dumbest, Sloppiest, and Skankiest
Because you’re so unfamiliar with what is and isn’t acceptable in college, freshman year is all about testing your limits. And also about testing the limits of those around you. Is it normal for you to puke in the middle of a party, go brush your teeth with your finger in the bathroom, and then do what you think is “rallying” but really is giving new meaning to that girl? At some schools, sure. Mine, yes. Most, probably not. So when you do this…because you are in college now, (NO PARENTS NO RULES) and because you don’t yet know your “limit” (not that I’m a firm believer in “limits” but I suppose no one wants to end up in a coma, or like…dead), you’re going to look like an asshole. You’re also really naive. If you come in single, you have a whole school full of all new boys to make out with. In high school, if a boy slept with you, it meant something…in college if a boy sleeps with you, it meant he wanted to shoot his load that night and you were the lucky dame who allowed him to insert it somewhere. It takes some time to learn this, and to learn that all men are lying, manipulative, scheming, cheating douchebags who only want to get laid and are never to be trusted some guys are being insincere to get you into bed. As a result…you’ll slut around a little bit. It gets old fast, but most girls go through it.
Pro: Everyone Is Super Excited and Friendly
Quite unlike any other experience I’ve ever had, at the beginning of school, everyone wants to make friends. Personally, I love meeting new people, but once you’re set in your ways and have your set clique that judgmental “you can’t sit with us” feeling takes over. It was definitely that way in high school, and though it wasn’t quite as intense as I was older, even as an upperclassman in college, I felt I didn’t “need” more friends. As a freshman…you quite literally, do need friends. Everyone can sit with you. And everyone is super friendly, and super great. There are no cliques (until like three weeks in once Recruitment is over), but even then everyone is super friendly and willing to meet one another. Plus every day is just new and exciting. You don’t know who you’re going to meet or what new interesting things are going to happen. At any moment your husband or Maid of Honor could walk into your dorm room to borrow a pair of scissors and become one of the most important people in your life.
Con: These Aren’t Your Real Best Friends….Yet
I liked my freshman year. A lot. First semester I met the girls who are my best friends to this day. BUT there’s a thing that no one tells you. You don’t walk into it and automatically have best friendships. It takes time. And looking back, the thing that everyone thought but no one wanted to say was “I’m not totally comfortable yet.” I remember going home for Thanksgiving and having some dick-measuring contest with my home friends about who was having the MOST AWESOME COLLEGE EXPERIENCE EVER. No one was. We were all thrown into a situation surrounded by strangers from far-away lands like “Pennsylvania” that we now had to share our lives, bathroom and closets with. The girl I lived with for four years had a “drive your tractor to school day” in high school…For someone who’s probably never even seen a tractor in real life, let alone knew someone who owned one…it was a bizarre phenomenon, and I wondered how someone like her and someone like me could possibly form a friendship. (We did…a great friendship actually. Turns out tractor day wasn’t a defining quality…just something to make fun of her for). Plus, no one is 100% themselves upon meeting someone. Your friends will grow to love your quirks but you can’t really open with “Hey, I sometimes like to make my voice very high and squeaky and sing in a Russian accent even though I’m not Russian and, in fact, do not even know any Russian people.” (Not that I ever do that…..) It’s a little weird, at first. The first month or two of school no one is having as much fun as they say they are, and no one has best friends. If you do…your old friends must have really REALLY sucked and/or been imaginary. It’s ok to feel homesick sometimes, or feel like you haven’t found your “niche” yet. It’s normal for the first two months but give it time and you’ll soon be having the MOST AWESOME COLLEGE EXPERIENCE EVER that you were vastly exaggerating about before. I promise.
Pro: You’re Coming In With a Clean Slate
While not knowing anyone means you don’t have great friends yet, it also means you don’t have great enemies. No one knows you or anything about you. If you manage to make someone hate you within a month or two of being somewhere, it might be time to get re-evaluate yourself. You’re probably either: A. a giant slut, B. a giant bitch or C. have terrible body odor. For everyone else, it’s one of the few times in your life when you get a fresh start. I didn’t really do anything so humiliating in high school, or even have any enemies that come to mind, but I was ready to get away from the drama nonetheless. You’ll notice that a LOT of those “questionables” from your high school are suddenly openly and blatantly homosexual once they get to school. Because no one knew them as “straight” so they don’t have to “come out” they can just…be. Lots of people like to “reinvent themselves.” I had the idea that do that but SURPRISE! I’m still a diva. Either way, it’s a cool feeling that your past is behind you, and this is a whole new experience.
Con: Dorm Life
I’m not sure if there is anything worse than living in a dorm. Nothing says “welcome to the low life” like a wall made of cement. And no matter how many posters of Marilyn and Audrey you put up, or how adorably you arrange the print-outs of your prom pictures with your high school friends…you still just used sticky-tack to decorate your room, and there is still cinderblock behind it. The dining hall sucks, the laundry room is far away and this room which could fit inside of your bedroom at home three times is now the place you eat, the place you do homework, the place you sleep, the place you hang out, the place you do EVERYTHING, and you have to share it with someone you probably don’t even like. Not to mention, there is zero privacy, and it’s a scientific fact that RAs are all members of a secret society of losers whose mission in life is to destroy any and all fun the moment they become aware of it. Do NOT trust them under any circumstances no matter how much they’re pretending to “be there for you.” It’s all a ruse so they can go back and win the “Biggest Buzzkill Award” at the end of the year and note that their biggest accomplishment was ruining a poor young girl’s life. Not to mention…sex on a lofted Twin XL is just stupid. If you’re the haver of said intercourse, you are uncomfortable, fearing falling off as you are several feet away from the ground, and painfully aware that hundreds of other people have performed this exact act on that exact mattress. If you’re anyone else…you can hear, very audibly, every movement of your floormate’s sexcapade…creaking bed, awkward moaning, and God forbid there is bad dirty talk…no one wants to hear about how his semen tastes like maraschino cherries (actually…I would like to hear about how someone finagled such a thing, and implement a rule that all boys who enjoy fellatio do whatever that guy did…but I digress.) It’s just awful, but the only other option is NOT doing it. And where’s the fun in that?
Pro: Beginning Your Life as a Sorority Girl
Luckily, you joined a sorority. Which means freshman year has lots of great things in store for you. First of all, Recruitment. While it’s a rollercoaster of emotions on the PNM side, at the end of it, is quite possibly one of the most rewarding experiences of your life, a moment you’ll never ever forget for your entire life: receiving your bid. Bid day is absolutely magical, and it makes all the cattiness and stress of Recruitment completely disappear. (Just like I hear all the pain from 9 months of pregnancy and hours of painful labor is erased when your baby comes into the world. It’s exactly like that.) And following Bid Day things just get better and better. You meet your pledge class who will eventually be your backbone at this school, and then a perfect, baking, crafting, beautiful, all-knowing creature who was sent by divine beings to you to be your sorority spirit-guide comes into your life: your Big. She’s the most amazing woman you never knew you needed, and she’s here for the next three years to spoil you, to protect you from Standards (a scary and evil place you won’t have to go until you’re initiated), and to teach you her ways so that you, too, may be perfect some day. Well, more perfect.
Con: You Do Bitch Work
Being a freshman in a sorority comes with tons of perks, but there is definitely a downside. I hope you really enjoy cleaning up garbage and hanging out with old people, because you’re about to do a shit ton of community service. Also, please enjoy boring speakers, boring philanthropy events, being a “voluntary” sober sister, and having absolutely no say in anything. “Speak when spoken to” will take on a whole new meaning. You don’t know anything, and your opinion doesn’t matter.
Pro: This Is Just the Beginning
While there are many things that suck about being a freshman, being heckled, and just generally being at the bottom of the totem pole, there is one pro that trumps absolutely everything. You are just beginning this incredible journey and you have four AMAZING years ahead of you. I envy high school seniors right now who are about to start the beginning of something wonderful, and wild, and absolutely life-changing. I would do anything to get to re-live my days in school, but sadly, you only have four years. Make them count.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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