Girls Can Be F*ckboys, Too


It’s time the entire female population dials back the overwhelming pride a bit and admits it: we can be fuckboys sometimes. Yes, I know that isn’t supposed to be how it works. We’re supposed to be safe from the heinous title, and I mean, the term itself has “boys” in it, but it’s happened.

We’re not the same fuckboy that the males are. We’ve made our own rules. We’ve managed to create a whole new breed of fuckboy. And the worst part is that our breed of fuckboys sometimes target their own. It’s girl on girl fuckboying. The best we can do right now while we figure out how to end this mayhem is to be aware. Here’s how to spot that dangerous fuckgirl.

1.She constantly complains about being single
In all fairness, all single ladies are guilty of the occasional “why don’t I have a boyfriend” or “WTF I’m totally dateable right?!”

A fuckgirl is the one soberly and drunkly crying because Johnny is currently dancing with someone else even though “they were totally about to become official.” Seriously, it’s a constant spew of mouth vomit about how single she is. Tip: don’t point out to fuckgirl that maybe if she stopped throwing herself at every guy from the bar, it’d be easier to find something real. She’ll just subtweet you and talk trash to all your sisters.

2. She has no respect for calling dibs or past hookups marked “off limits”
This one is pretty obvious. A fuckgirl isn’t afraid of a little girl on girl fuckboy action. In the olden days this was just referred to as being a “bitch,” but those days are behind us. It’s more complicated now.

In todays “hookup culture,” or whatever we’re calling it, the lines of what boys are “off limits” to friends and sisters are blurred. I mean its obvious that anyone who was a serious boyfriend is a no go (a top tier fuckgirl might still go for him anyways), but what about that one guy you hooked up with and maybe possibly have feelings for? And the guy friend you have officially stated dibs on? Well don’t bother, because your friendly neighborhood fuckgirl is gonna try to make out with them all on the dance floor.

3. She tweets a bunch of inspirational quotes
When investigating the fuckgirls status of a friend (or enemy), one of the first stops should be social media. Twitter especially because unlike Facebook or Instagram (which can also be valuable tools) Twitter is where the fuckgirl’s every thought will be mapped out in 140 characters or less. Because lord knows she’s very important and we all care a whole lot.

As you scroll, you’ll notice many of these tweets are just a bunch of tired old quotes that are plastered all over every white girls social media and bedroom walls in those cursive black stick-on letters. She does this not only because she’s so #deep, but because what better way to let a friend or guy from the other night know how she’s really feeling about them? Obviously they’ll notice it’s about them. And they’ll care.

Tip: don’t for whatever reason favorite these tweets she will than start to see you as allies.

4. She’s dying to have a reputation of some sort
The fuckgirl’s biggest fear: irrelevancy. She spends all her time managing and reiterating her presence in everything. That means social media, group chats, and everyones lives. The fuckgirl lives in fear that she will be forgotten along with the rest of the mass amount of girls who are just like her. So she works to have any reputation she can.

One semester she’ll try for the party girl. She’ll end up getting her stomach pumped and her parents with threaten to pull her out of school if she doesn’t shape up. So next semester she’ll be the try-hard sorority girl. While before she did the bare-ass minimum to not get called to standards and barely pass GPA and community service expectations, she will now be asserting herself in every possible thing and probably doing a piss poor job at it. Everyone is placing bets on if next year she’s gonna go for the book worm look.

It’s a scary world we live in, girls. Stay woke.

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aspiring vodka aunt. spends her days complaining about everything and doing nothing to improve herself. Approximately 10 minutes late to everything. Follow her social media to validate her giant ego.

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