I think it’s pretty obvious at this point that Facebook is going down the crapper. This is upsetting to me, but I really believe that we can stop this madness by pinpointing those responsible and telling them to cut the shit. To be exact, I find that there are 9 kinds of douchebags on Facebook today. They are as follows:
1. The Brag
This is the asshole who cannot feel accomplished in life unless he/she posts every small feat to their wall. You know, the dick who posts pictures of exam scores with captions like “Nailed it!”. Look, we understand that you’re excited to get a 135/140 on your Bio exam, but when it comes down to it, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Do you think it’s going to make me think, ‘Gee, that guy is super intelligent!’? No, it makes me feel like I’m an idiot for getting a C, and you’re a dickwad for rubbing your A in my face. Send that shit to your parents, so they can pretend to be happy for you. I’m just not interested. Plus, most of the time I’m pretty sure its fake. We’ve all known that dumbass girl who will post a status informing all of her incredibly indifferent Facebook friends that she got a 4.0 this semester… Okay, sure.
2. TMI
These people are on the top of my unfriend list. Facebook is a social networking site, not a day planner. Stop posting pictures of next semester’s schedule. Stop telling us that you’re going to the mall with Kelly, then lunch with Grandma, then possibly taking a nap. If I wanted to know what your plans are (which I guarantee I don’t), I would text you. Facebook is not twitter.
3. The Happy Couple
We’ve all seen those couples that constantly make statuses about each other, post cutsie things on each other’s walls, and tag each other in pointless pictures. I think we can agree these people are high up on the list of Facebook douches. Every time I see this, I fight the strong urge to regurgitate. Their lame attempt at a brag has made the prospect of being single forever an absolute dream. They make it seem as though they are unable to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide when they aren’t with each other… let’s be real, you two don’t actually like each other that much. I have a theory that if you have to broadcast a perfect relationship on a social network, you must not actually have that great of a connection. There was one couple that kept popping up on my news feed recently that wouldn’t stop posting on each other’s walls. And they were saying the dumbest shit. She would write, “i luv u baby”. And he’d respond, “i luv you more xoxoxo”. So forth and so forth. Eventually I commented on one particularly annoying post and asked the two, “DO YOU NOT HAVE CELL PHONES?” Text that shit to each other. No one wants to see it.
4. She Doesn’t Even Go Here
This is the bitch who posts every emotion she’s ever had. And she’ll be really vague, too, hoping that you’ll inquire about more. She’ll post shit like, “Not a good day….”. Cool, thanks for the update. I was really interested in how you were feeling. I can sleep now that I know how you are. Phew. The worst part about this person is that they have SO MANY FEELINGS. I like to think I’m semi-normal, but on a given day I only experience two or three strong emotions. And it’s mostly hunger, which I don’t even think counts. So the fact that this bitch is going on about how blessed her wonderful life is one minute, then droning on about her horrible luck the next is just too much for anyone to handle. Stop with the feelings.
5. The Opinion
This guy has an opinion on every single event, ever. And he will state ever single one, with links, to your newsfeed. Involvement in Syria? Opinion. Gas prices in China? Opinion. Your Mom’s sex life? Major opinion. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t argue with anyone who didn’t agree with him, but he does. Look, I get that you’re super involved and I can respect the fact that you actually know what’s going on in the world, but don’t flood my Facebook with your political rants. Also, don’t send a novel to the first guy that insinuates that you could possibly be wrong. Because you probably are wrong. The typical Facebooker’s opinion is irrelivent and completely overlooked, so you assholes need to stop telling me how to feel. I already have an opinion: I don’t care.
6. Old People
The absolute worse. I just cannot. I’m not talking about grandparents here, because that shit is just hilarious. I’m talking about middle aged parents, who are using Facebook as a communication. You straight up PAY my cellphone bill, so you therefore HAVE TO know that I have the ability to text. I don’t have this problem often anymore because I’m a loser and my mother is more popular than me online. Also, because I yelled at her to cut the shit. But everyone has that Aunt who will comment on a drunk picture of you holding a red solo cup and screaming at the camera. She’ll say something like, “Looks like you’re having fun at college LOL! Uncle Bob and I are thinking of you– See you over break!”. Please stop. It’s actually just humiliating. The worst is when it’s not even your picture, so the random girl who posted the picture gets a notification from your Aunt Sue and then you just want to die.
7. The Philosopher
This guy shares a lot of thought provoking pictures and makes statuses about how small we all are in the grand scheme of things. I love these people in person, but fucking hate them over the internet. They’re the people who act like they smoke a lot of weed, but they’re not actually chill to hang out with. Hippies, only way more hygienic and way less fun. And no matter what you think about what they’re saying, you’re wrong. They’ll reference Buddha even though they went to the same Catholic school as you did. Please stop acting like you’re so enlightened…. you’re on a Macbook, so no one’s buying it.
8. The Promoter
The shameless promotions have to stop. I’m sorry, but I don’t care about your cousin’s crappy band or your Mom’s friend’s overpriced boutique. This is Facebook, not eBay. I think deep down these people know how annoying they are, but they just don’t give a shit. They totally realize that while maybe 5% of people actually look into what they’re promoting, the strong majority of their friends are plotting ways to kill them. The worst of these is college students looking to fill a sublease, you know the fucker who’s trying to transfer and WILL NOT stop posting, looking for someone to take their crappy lease with three random bitchy roommates. Isn’t there a way to network that doesn’t pop up on my newsfeed? Please find it and use it, before I knife you.
9. No Fucking Clue
These are usually teenage girls. They post links to articles and then voice their opinion on it. Which is all well and good, but they have NO FUCKING CLUE what they’re actually talking about. They probably just think its cute to look informed and intelligent. Recently, a girl I’m friends with posted an article from The Onion, a news satire organization, and then proceeded to bash the article and state how offended she was about it. She had no clue that the whole thing was a total joke. I’m going to be honest, I didn’t even correct her because the whole situation was just way too funny. I would’ve been embarrassed for her had she not been a total fucking moron.Take a lap.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that I’ve been guilty of a few of these from time to time. But I’d like to think I haven’t been so douchey so as to constantly fall under one of these categories. And if you do, I will not apologize because you are annoying and I probably hate you. Let’s save Facebook, people. Cut the shit.
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Nice Move224
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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