I have exactly fourteen wedding boards on Pinterest. Fourteen. I have one dedicated specifically to cakes, rings, photo inspo, dresses, and of course, a bridal shower and bachelorette board so my bridesmaids don’t get any crazy ideas of their own. This day will be about ME and it will go exactly according to plan. I mean, me and a special VIP guest, known to some as “the groom.” I have literally been counting down the days until my wedding since the morning after my sweet 16, which to date, has been the best day of my life (and the best day of my 150 guests, presumably), and I didn’t even get to drink at that cocktail hour. My wedding will be next level extra. Extra, extra. Read all about it. It will have been decades in the works by the time I reach that fateful day. Everything will be incredible down to the gloves on the waitstaff. I’d fucking have my wedding tomorrow if I could.
What I don’t want, however, is a marriage. That sounds horrible. Spending the rest of your life hopping on top of one dick, with an ever-growing beer belly living right above it? No thank you. I want attention from as many people as possible, and being someone’s wife pretty much makes you invisible.
I’m not quite sure how to arrange a giant party for myself with all of my friends and family in one place to celebrate me in black tie, without having to promise myself to someone forever. And then, some people came along and started leaving my dream.
Is setting up a sham marriage, and getting caught the morning of your wedding with your sidepiece advisable? Probably not, but at least it’s funny. And at least it’s a wedding people will remember.
Random Tropical Paradise, written and directed by Sanjeev Sirpal, starring Bryan Greenberg, and featuring Spencer Grammer, Brittany Furlan, Beth Littleford, Kyle Kinane, Jessica Lowe, Ayden Mayeri, Alphonso McAuley, Caitlin McHugh and Joe Pantoliano, follows a man who decides to take is best friend on his honeymoon after he catches his almost-wife in an affair.
Hi-jinks, galore, people.
Random Tropical Paradise is available for download on iTunes now..
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
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