When I was sixteen, I got my boyfriend really expensive concert tickets for Valentine’s Day. His present to me? “The best orgasm ever.” Which was funny…because we’d never had sex before…or done anything for that matter that could result in an orgasm, much less the “best” one of all. Obviously, his “present” to me was really just an elaborate ruse to get me into bed — a ruse, that, unfortunately for him, did not work. Looking back now, though, I commend his effort and also his balls (however blue they may have been), as telling your virginal, sixteen-year-old girlfriend that her Valentine’s Day gift is your own dick is a pretty big power move. Perhaps the funniest part of this whole V-Day fiasco was that he didn’t have a backup plan, not even a card or a box of chocolates. He was so sure that his smooth orgasm talk would get my pants off that he hadn’t even bothered to plan for a “what if” scenario, which meant that after spending all of my babysitting money on his present, I was left with nothing in return (other than attending the concert of a band that I hated). It sucked — for the both of us, really. It was just a shitty, shitty Valentine’s Day.
As I recounted this story earlier in the day to one of our interns, it got me thinking: everyone out there has at least one shitty Valentine’s Day story. So, while you may have had a bad day this past Saturday, it could’ve been worse. You could’ve received one of the presents mentioned below.
@catie__warren roses from Walgreens…..
— Alexandra❥ (@askirkley) February 16, 2015
Because nothing screams “romance” quite like discounted dying flowers.
@catie__warren a high 5
— Kaitlin Marsden (@kaitmars19) February 16, 2015
Did you respond by high-fiving his head with your fist?
@catie__warren Cough syrup
— Laura Fay (@LauraAnnFay) February 16, 2015
I hope you threw it at him.
@catie__warren I got a credit card thrown at me after a fight to buy my own gift…I bought us Jonas Brothers tickets.
— Erin Smith (@ErinBSmith) February 16, 2015
This girl knows what’s up. I hope he cried when he looked at his statement.
@catie__warren woke up to nothing so I went to go tan while in tears. Came home to bags of candy and an unsigned card still in CVS bag.
— kates4cubbies (@kates4cubbies) February 16, 2015
True life: I once saw an episode of “Snapped” where a woman killed her husband for doing this very same thing. It’s the unsigned card, man. It just makes us want to fucking murder you.
@catie__warren bag of skittles and a birthday card
— Kelly Elisabeth (@kellyduffy_) February 16, 2015
Ah. So close, but yet so, so far.
@catie__warren a used iPod from Amazon with someone else's music and pictures still on it
— Carla Badame (@carlllzb) February 16, 2015
Are you sure it wasn’t his ex-girlfriend’s?
@catie__warren a ring. a diamond ring. but with the caveat: "not an engagement ring." it was a tiny ass diamond too.
— janet snakehole (@laurenipsum_) February 16, 2015
Who the hell does he think he is saying “it’s not an engagement ring?” You just put that ring on your left hand and tell him to deal with it.
— Ashlee Filkins (@ashleefilkins) February 16, 2015
Thanks a lot for the pre-cancer, dickface.
@catie__warren Valentine's Day is also my birthday and one year my boyfriend was "too busy with his friends" to even see me at all….
— Catie Darragh (@catiedar7) February 16, 2015
I hope you were “too busy” to give him a blow job ever again.
@catie__warren knee pads
— Nikki (@nikkimillo) February 16, 2015
Did you wear them when you subsequently kneed him in the balls? .